The Edge Of The Ocean
by Athena Alexandria
Summary: Post I Do. When rescue comes, Jack helps Kate escape on Desmond's boat. Sailing around the South Pacific, he's finally free from his father's influence, but does he really have what it takes for life as a fugitive?
1. Chapter 1

Well, it's taken me two weeks, but I'm back. I've finally figured out what this story is going to be, so I'm posting the first two chapters. The consensus was that everyone's sick of Jabies, so unless I get a bunch of reviews asking for one, this isn't going to be a Jaby fic. Instead, I've got something I hope will be much more interesting planned, based on what you guys said you'd like to see. So thanks for your suggestions (keep them coming, I'm flexible this time), particularly mikachoo and Tahti, who gave me a lot to think about.

I've changed the title to fit my new idea. It comes from the song The Edge Of The Ocean, by Ivy, which I think sums up the central theme of the show, and this fic. I'm going to try writing from Kate's POV this time, but I may switch to Jack's later if it feels right.

I've really missed your reviews, so I'm looking forward to hearing from you all again. I'll update as often as I can, but writing a chapter a day, sometimes two or three, was killing me, so I may have to slow down. I still have some original stuff I want to work on, so this might become one of those ongoing fics everyone else seems to be writing.

Oh, by the way, I always forget to put up disclaimers, so the usual. I obviously wouldn't be writing fan fiction if I had any affiliation with the show or its producers.

* * *

_There's a place I dream about_

_Where the sun never goes out_

_And the sky is deep and blue_

_Won't you take me there with you?_

_Ooh we can begin again_

_Shed our skin_

_Let the sun shine in_

_At the edge of the ocean_

_We can start over again_

_There's a world I've always known_

_Somewhere far away from home_

_When I close my eyes I see_

_All the space and the mystery_

_Ooh we can begin again_

_Shed our skin_

_Let the sun shine in_

_At the edge of the ocean_

_We can start over again…_

* * *

Chapter 1. I Should Have Chosen You

It had been over a week since they'd returned from the Others' camp, and still, sleep wouldn't come, for Kate, at least. Every time she closed her eyes, she remembered what it felt like to wake up in that cage, the iron bars closing in around her, trapping her like the animals her captors had once kept at that station.

It didn't help that she had that to look forward to again when they were inevitably rescued, especially since she wouldn't have Jack to barter her freedom this time. He'd barely spoken to her since Sayid had brought them all back to the island on Desmond's boat, and she was still too ashamed to approach him, that shame made even more unbearable by the fact that he thought she and Sawyer were a couple now.

Seeing the pain in his eyes when he looked at her now, Kate wanted to set him straight, but she didn't know how to do that without hurting him more. She could tell that he was gutted about losing to Sawyer, but as it was, he could take consolation in the thought that what he'd seen meant something, when Kate knew it didn't, not to her. She'd never said as much to Sawyer, but she could tell that he knew; he'd hadn't touched her since he realised she still had feelings for Jack, making what happened between them at the Others' camp Kate's first official one night stand.

Jack was too insulated to see it, but he wasn't the only one who was ignoring her these days. Sawyer hadn't been paying that much attention to her lately either, although for some reason that didn't seem to bother her as much.

She felt callous, discarding him like that, when she knew that he loved her, or thought that he did, but at the same time, she knew it was exactly what he'd planned on doing to her until recently. The time he'd spent on the other side of the island had changed him, but not enough for Kate to believe him when he said the way he felt about her was real. He didn't love her; at least, not in the way that Jack did.

She'd hurt Jack deeper than she ever would have believed she could, and yet his first thought was still for her happiness, her safety. He'd pledged himself to the Others so that she could escape, so that she could be with Sawyer, even if it meant never seeing her again.

Ironically, it was at that precise moment, the moment that he'd sacrificed everything for her, that Kate realised she was in love with Jack, that it was him that she wanted, but it was too late for that now. As far as he was concerned, she'd made her choice. She didn't know how to tell him that if she had, she'd chosen wrong.

Insomnia was nothing new to Kate; she hadn't slept well since that night, more than three years ago now, that she'd killed Wayne, but somehow, life on the island had changed that. After two months of living in the same camp, the same shelter, she wasn't looking over her shoulder anymore, waiting for the marshal to catch up with her again. While for the others, the isolation of the island was a constant nightmare, for Kate, it was a welcome relief. She'd felt safe here, for the first time in years, until the Others had taken that security away. Waiting for them to come for her again was like waiting for the marshal, only this time she didn't know what she'd done to deserve it.

The long hours of tossing and turning were beginning to grate on her already frayed nerves, so she crawled out of her tent, padding across the sand, to stand at the water's edge. The sound of the waves, and the smell of the salt air always relaxed her; staring out across the moonlit ocean, she let the water lap gently at her feet, enjoying the rare moment of solitude, until the rustle of clothing startled her out of her thoughts.

Kate tensed, preparing for a confrontation, but the familiar mix of wariness and concern in her companion's voice caused her to relax again.

"Can't sleep either?"

She smiled, her heart lightening as she realised that he was here, talking to her as if nothing had happened, as if he'd forgiven her, or was at least willing to take a step in that direction. Not wanting to remind him of the gulf between them, though she knew it couldn't be far from his thoughts, she tried not to let on her surprise as she answered, "Yeah, there's something about getting kidnapped that brings out the inner insomniac."

She was going for glib, but he must have heard the edge in her voice, because he took a step closer, so that he was standing beside her now, turning to her with that deep, unrelenting stare that always made her want to fall apart. "You okay?" he asked, his voice etched with concern that she knew wasn't purely professional.

It was nice to know that he still cared enough about her to worry, even if she didn't want him to. "Yeah," she agreed, the word sounding unconvincing, even to her. He didn't speak again, just waiting, until she cracked and added, "It's nothing," her voice rising a defensive octave. "I'm just a little jumpy. I keep expecting them to come after us again."

"So do I," he agreed, surprising her. It had been two months since the crash, since they'd met on the beach, and Kate still found it hard to believe that he was ever afraid of anything. He always seemed so calm, so in control of the situation, even his panic was ordered.

He turned away from her, watching the ocean in silence, and she could tell the next words were hard for him to utter. "But you have to know that Sawyer would never let anything happen to you." He let that hang there for a moment, then, tearing his gaze away from the horizon, he looked back at her, his voice softening as he added, "And neither would I."

"I know." This was her moment, she realised. She put a hand on his arm, smiling softly as she added, "What you did for us back at the Others' camp—"

"It was nothing. I would have done the same thing for Claire, or Sun, or any of the others."

Kate let her hand slide from his arm, confused by his sudden coldness. She never knew how to react when he spoke to her like that, whether she should take it as an insult, a deliberate attempt to hurt her, or just chalk it up to the fact that he could be brutally honest at times.

Knowing it was true, that he really would have done the same thing for any one of them, she decided on the latter. It still hurt, but it was better than the alternative. "Either way, I didn't deserve it, after…" she trailed off, hoping he would read between the lines, and save her the embarrassment of having to spell it out.

He did, avoiding her eyes as he said, "You can't help who you're in love with."

So she was right. He did think that she was in love with Sawyer. Kate closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as she blurted out, "I'm not in love with him, Jack. I never was." He looked stunned, momentarily speechless, so she pressed on. "Jack I—"

"You don't have to explain—"

"Yes I do, so just hear me out, okay?" she cut in, resuming control of the conversation. She was trying to tell him something important, but he just wouldn't seem to let her finish. It was maddening, especially since it was good news, for him, at least. She still wasn't sure what she would say to Sawyer, but that was something she would worry about tomorrow.

"I don't know why I – why what happened, happened. I was scared, I thought they were going to kill us, and he was just… there.

"It was stupid. It ruined everything – with you, with Sawyer… If I'd known how much I was hurting you…" she trailed off, hoping she'd gotten at least part of her point across with that ineloquent little speech. She'd spent days trying to figure out how to put her feelings into words, but now that he was standing in front of her, those words escaped her. All she could do was tell him she that regretted the pain she'd caused him, and hope that they could move past it one day.

"You don't owe me anything, Kate, least of all an apology," he told her, turning away from her, back towards their silent campsite. "You're a grown woman. It's none of my business."

She was losing him; any minute now, he would leave her there by the water to brood, striding back towards his tent, where she couldn't follow. The next time she saw him, he'd be surrounded by people who needed him more than she did, and any opportunity she'd had to speak to him alone would have evaporated along with night. It was now or never; she could speak now, or forever hold her peace.

"Wait," she called as he began to walk away, and he stopped, suspended by something in her voice. "I'm not doing this right," she said when she realised she had his attention. "What I'm trying to say is, I do owe you an apology."

He didn't come back, but he turned, his eyes hopeful, intrigued by the desperation she knew he could hear in her tone.

She took this as a sign that he was listening, and pressed on. "Remember that night in the jungle, when you told me you weren't sorry I kissed you?" He gave her a tiny, almost imperceptible nod, his breath bated, waiting for her to reach her point. "Well, I never got the chance to tell you that I wasn't really sorry either." She moved closer wringing her hands nervously as she added, "I should have chosen you, Jack. I wish I had."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2. What You Did, Not Who You Are

Jack closed the distance between them, his eyes never leaving hers. "What about Sawyer?" he asked, only inches away from her now.

"I don't know," she said. "But we're not together. We never were."

Kate could feel his breath, warm against her face, smell the scent of his aftershave, the tension mounting as they lingered like that, not quite touching, until, without ever making a conscious decision to kiss him, she found her lips on his, her body taking it upon itself to convey the message her tongue had stumbled over.

The first time she'd kissed Jack, in the jungle, he'd been too shocked to respond in kind. But this time, he was at the advantage. Kate was so surprised that he still wanted her, that she found herself melting into him, letting him take control, pulling her closer, one arm winding around her waist, the other, around her neck.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this again," he murmured against her lips, only moving far enough away to allow them both to take a breath. But before she had the chance to tell him that she did, he closed the gap again, wrapping a hand in her curls as he held her to him, kissing her with renewed vigour.

It would have been so easy to lose herself in the moment, to give into temptation like she had with Sawyer, but, sensing that this kiss was headed in the same direction, she forced herself to pull away. It wasn't that she didn't want it, because she did, her body crying out in protest, but when it happened, she didn't want there to be anymore secrets between them. She didn't want another one night stand; this time, she wanted it to last.

Not understanding the reason for her hesitation, Jack tried to pull her back in, but she pushed him away, standing her ground. She needed to focus, and she couldn't with him so close to her, fogging up her senses. "Before we do this – before we go any further, there are some things I need to tell you," she said, still trying to regain her breath. "I want you to know who I am."

He reigned himself in, releasing her so that he could look at her seriously. "Okay," he said, though there was a note of apprehension, maybe even disappointment, in his voice.

Kate decided to ignore it; she needed to do this. "But not here," she said quickly. They were still only a hundred metres or so from the main campsite. She didn't want any of the others waking up and overhearing what she had to say; she wasn't ready for them to know yet, just Jack.

She took his hand, leading him the beach, a nervous knot already forming in the pit of her stomach. She was taking a pretty big risk here; she wasn't sure he could handle the truth about her past, but at the same time, she knew she couldn't lie to him anymore. It was one thing to keeps secrets from him when he was just a friend, but now… he needed to know what he was getting himself into, what she was capable of. It was the only way to move forward, the only way that he would ever learn to trust her.

She was sure where she was going, but when she came to a secluded grotto, further up the beach, she stopped. Sensing that the trek was over, Jack let go of her hand, sitting down on one of the ubiquitous black rocks. Kate sat down beside him, staring out across the ocean as she gathered her thoughts. There was so much that needed saying; she wasn't sure where to begin. She wanted to tell him what she did, but she didn't know how to do that without him looking at her differently in the morning.

Sensing how troubled she was, Jack took her hand again, squeezing it gently, as if by doing so, he could somehow send her the strength she needed to break the silence. She still wasn't sure where to begin, so she started with her childhood, telling him about Sam and Wayne and her mother's affair, about the fear that Wayne would kill her mother, and of what he would do to her, and the revelation that he was her father, not Sam, like she'd thought. Once he understood all this, she told him about the house, and the explosion, and the decision to go on the run, and about Tom and Kevin, and her mother's death, and the plane, everything up until the point that she'd boarded Oceanic Airlines Flight 815 with the marshal.

As she spoke, she opened up the rawest part of herself, laying bare all of the pain and confusion she'd tried to hide from the world, from him. The exertion left her hollow and shaking, tears sliding down her cheeks, but lighter now that it was all out in the open. He knew the truth now; even if he couldn't accept it, she didn't have to dread telling him anymore.

She took a deep, steadying breath, meeting his eyes for the first time since they'd left camp. "If you can't deal with what I just told you, then I'll understand," she said, too emotionally spent to worry about what she'd do if he couldn't. "But this is it, this is who I am. I'm a murderer."

Jack stood up, and for one wretched moment, Kate was convinced that he was going to walk away from her without another word, just as the others had when they'd learned she was a criminal. But to her surprise, he crouched in front of her, cupping her face in both hands, his eyes sad, but free of disgust.

"That's where you're wrong," he said gently. "That's what you did, not who you are. You're not a killer, Kate – you're one of the kindest, most compassionate people I've ever known.

"I can't condone what you did, but if you killed Wayne, I know he must have deserved it, because you would never have been able to go through with it if he didn't."

Kate couldn't speak; she was too shocked by how understanding he was being. Jack was a doctor; he was supposed to believe too strongly in the sanctity of human life to ever allow for the justification of murder. But then, after everything they'd seen on the island, after everything that had happened, their world wasn't black and white anymore. He'd shown that when he almost killed Ben.

She didn't have to say anything, because Jack pulled her into his arms, holding her close, until the shaking stopped, and she didn't feel quite so empty anymore. When she pulled back, he kissed her again, more delicately this time, but she deepened it, dragging him to his feet as she slid off the rock.

"Kate, maybe we should—" he began as her hands went to the hem of his shirt, but she cut him off, covering his mouth with her own again.

"It's okay," she breathed between kisses. "I want this. I don't want there to be anymore secrets between us."

He didn't object this time as she peeled off his shirt, letting it fall to the sand. It wasn't long before her own shirt joined it, their clothing forming a messy pile at their feet.

That night, in Jack's arms, Kate slept better than she had in years.

* * *

How's that? After making you all wait last time... I'm still not ever going to write graphic sex scenes though, so don't ask. They make me uncomfortable, both as a reader, and an writer, and quite frankly, I'm sick of them. I know we're all supposed to live out our fantasies on this site, but still, for me at least, there's a line, or at least there's taste. In the case of Jate, I think that by focusing on sex, you can cheapen something that is so much more than a physical attraction. Skate, Sana (anything involving Sawyer), go for your life, but that's not what attracted most of us to this ship in the first place. That's just my opinion though, feel free to disagree.


	3. Chapter 3

Seven reviews in one day! Looks like I'm starting to build up a fanbase! I know I said I wasn't going to update every day, but I can't seem to help myself...

Glad you all like the story so far, and the premise. I thought it would be a little different. You're right, ms metaphor, I always seem to write about Jack and Kate getting together, or being reunited, so I thought it would be fun to write a fic where they were actually together, especially since we know it's all about to be threatened. I also thought it would be nice to include some of the other survivors this time, so Sun's in this chapter. Sawyer will probably be in the next, and eventually, Desmond.

Keep the reviews coming, and I may just keep up my chapter-a-day tradition.

* * *

Chapter 3. You Were Right 

It was still dark when Kate woke up. Glancing out over the ocean, she guessed it must have been about an hour or so before dawn.

Since there was no guarantee of privacy on the island, they'd redressed haphazardly through the night, but Jack still hadn't replaced his shirt; when she rolled over to face him, she found herself staring at his bare torso.

He was propped up on one elbow, watching her sleep, a languid grin spreading over his face when he saw that she was awake. "Hey," he said, leaning down to kiss her gently.

"Hey." She let her eyes drift closed again, knowing they should be getting back to camp, but not really wanting to leave the private world they'd created here in this cove. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this peaceful; it must have been about the time she'd met Kevin, before reality set in, and she had to run again. It was comforting to know that reality wouldn't be an issue this time. After two months on the island, it still didn't look like they'd be getting rescued any time soon.

Her vague good morning seemed to confuse Jack; she felt him shift his weight beside her, leaning over her, his breath tickling her face as he asked, "You okay? You seem kind of distant this morning. You're not having second thoughts about last night are you?"

Without even looking at him, Kate could see the concern in his soulful brown eyes as he worried that she would come to regret this as much as she regretted sleeping with Sawyer. "No," she told him, putting him out of his misery, she hoped. "I was just thinking."

"Oh really?" By the tone of his voice, she could tell he was smiling again; she imagined his eyebrow arching impishly now that she'd put his fears to rest. "And what were you thinking?"

She opened her eyes again, looking up at him seriously. "I was thinking that last night was one of the best nights of my life," she told him, knowing how corny it sounded, but also knowing that it was the truth. Last night, for the first time in years, she'd actually felt close to another human being. Not just physically close, but close in a way that meant she didn't have to hide from him. She'd told him everything, every sordid detail of her chequered past, and he hadn't run from her. He still wanted to be with her, in spite of all of her faults.

Her words must have caught him off guard, because for a moment, he didn't seem able to speak. "Mine too," he said finally, his voice breaking with emotion. "I'm glad you didn't choose Sawyer."

He kissed her again softly, and she pulled him back down on top of her, but before it could turn into a repeat of last night, he sat up, kissing her one final time before pulling his shirt back over his head. "As amazing as last night was, we should probably be getting back," he said, "unless you want to explain to everyone why we weren't in our tents."

Reluctantly, Kate sat up too, straightening her clothes, and pulling on the cover shirt she wore in the evenings when the temperature dropped. "And have everybody talking about us?"

"They do that already," Jack said with a smile.

"That's why we don't need to give them any ammunition." They were both on their feet now. Kate took a step closer to him, winding her hands through the fabric of his t-shirt. "Besides," she added with a coy grin, "this is kind of romantic – secrets trysts on the beach…" she trailed off, bringing him down so that their lips could meet again, her resolve to leave momentarily forgotten, along with his.

The first rays of pink were beginning to streak the sky then, ushering in the new day. Kate let go of Jack with a sigh, taking hold of his hand. "We should go."

"Okay," he agreed, turning reluctantly towards camp, no more eager to return to their lives than she was. "Can I see you again tonight though? Alone?"

She nodded, grinning happily as they headed down the beach. "Same time, same place." She was already counting the hours until she until she was back in his arms. Getting through the day was going to be torture.

* * *

They snuck back into their tents just before the dawn broke, and everyone emerged to greet the new day. Kate was sure they would be able to tell by her smile, but they were all so wrapped up in their own lives that no one seemed to notice the change in her mood.

No one except Sun.

"You're looking cheerful today," she said as they worked side by side in her garden, harvesting the plants they'd need for dinner that night.

"Am I?" Kate pretended to be engrossed in searching for weeds, pulling a few out for show, but she couldn't keep the goofy grin from spreading over her face.

"Yes." Sun stopped digging in the earth, and looked up at her, amused. "Sawyer?"

Kate felt the grin slip from her face as she realised that she hadn't thought about him since last night, when Jack had finally stopped trying to force them together. She would have to talk to him later, before he heard about their relationship from someone else. After everything they'd been through together, she owed him that much.

"Not exactly," she said, her grin returning as the memory of last night washed over her again.

Sun's eyes widened in surprise as she figured out what it was that Kate wasn't saying. "Not… Jack?"

"Yeah." Kate looked back down at the garden, avoiding her gaze, afraid of what her friend would think of her, sleeping with two different guys in more or less the same week. The Korean woman already knew about Sawyer, but then, she'd also seen they way Kate had pined over Jack during their rift.

"It's about time," she said kindly, surprising Kate, but then Sun wasn't the kind of person to pass judgement on others, least of all her. She was too good-natured for that. "I was a little surprised when you told me about what happened with Sawyer. I always thought it would be Jack."

Kate grinned at her as she went back to her weeding, too happy to mind the repetitiveness of the task. "Well, you were right. Everyone was."


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you all for your lovely reviews. My favourite part of the day is logging in to see what you're all saying. For some reason, I'm always nervous, but I've been fortunate enough never to be the target of any negative comments, so I don't know why I get so worried.

Some more fluff (and Sun) in this chapter, and a little bit of angst -- Sawyer jealousy! I'm doing my best to update everyday, but I'm not sure how much longer I can continue. These fics are taking over my life! Not that I have a life, but I used to have more time. You guys are just lucky I have no uni work at the moment! (We're still having our summer break here.)

One more thing: I couldn't resist referring to The Island of Dr Moreau. I know the producers choose books based on popular theories, so I'm surprised this one hasn't turned up, with all its talk of secret science experiments on secluded islands. Also, I'll see about Bangkok, but I like to go by the canon, so I'll need to know more about Jack's time there first. I will reference it though, since that seems to be another time in his life when he just wanted to drop off the face of the earth.

* * *

Chapter 4. Are We Done? 

Even though they'd agreed to wait until that night to see each other, Jack appeared at the garden around lunchtime, trying to keep a straight face as he asked to speak to Kate alone. He would have pulled it off if he hadn't caught her eye, but she grinned at him, and he grinned back, giving the game away.

"Of course," Sun agreed, glancing up from vine she was tending, a smile playing at the corners of her lips as she gave them both a sensible look.

Jack was trying so hard to be discreet; when he caught this, he coloured, and Kate couldn't help but burst out laughing. "It's okay, she knows," she said. He gave her an incredulous look, as if to remind her that she was the one who'd said that they should keep their relationship a secret, so she added quickly, "I didn't tell her, she figured it out."

He didn't look quite like he believed her, but he was smiling, so she knew he wasn't mad. The truth would come out eventually, but in the mean time, Sun was good at keeping secrets, maybe even as good as it as she'd been before last night.

Through this exchange, the Korean woman had returned to work, but she looked up at Jack then, smiling benignly. "I think it's wonderful," she said. "The first time I saw the two of you together, you reminded me of Jin and I when we first met." Her smile grew wistful, and Kate could tell she was thinking about the early days of their relationship, before all of the secrets started. "I hope you'll be as happy as we were then."

Kate couldn't help but notice the way her friend used the past tense, but she smiled and thanked her without drawing attention to it. She knew that things were still a little tense between her and her husband, but they seemed to be working through it; with nothing but time on their hands, she was pretty sure that by the time their baby arrived, their marriage would be back on track.

But that was for them to sort out. Right now, she was more concerned about her own burgeoning relationship.

She followed Jack into the jungle, to a safe distance from the garden and the path to the caves. As soon as they were out of sight, he slid his arms around her waist, backing her into a tree as he leant down to kiss her.

"I missed you," he murmured, brushing his lips against hers; she hadn't really believed he just wanted to talk, but it still surprised her, how physical their relationship had become. They'd gone two months without touching, except for that one kiss in the jungle, but now that those invisible barriers were gone, they couldn't seem to keep their hands off each other.

"I missed you too," she said, shivering as he moved down to her neck, to the hollow at the side of her jaw. "But we're supposed to be waiting until tonight."

"Mmm hmm," he agreed, his voice close to her ear; when he showed no signs of letting her go anytime soon, she was tempted to wave their arrangement, but the thought of one of the others stumbling upon them by accident brought her crashing back to reality.

"If we were back in civilization," she said, pushing him away gently, though she made no move to take his hands off her waist, "we wouldn't be able to see each other in the middle of the day like this, would we?"

He shook his head, looking confused. "Probably not, but I don't see—"

"You'd be at work," she continued, though she too was beginning to wonder about her point. She allowed herself one more kiss before she wriggled out of his grasp completely, remembering how easy it would be to forget where they were again. "Well, you're still on call, Dr. Shephard," she finished meaningfully, to remind him of the fact that someone could come looking for him any second. That was a situation she wanted to avoid at all costs; if they weren't careful, it was pretty much inevitable.

He sighed, catching her drift. "I'm always on call," he complained, but he kept his hands to himself this time.

"Maybe," she agreed, "but not tonight. Tonight you've got an appointment." She grinned, and he grinned back, sneaking in a goodbye kiss before he headed off into the jungle, towards the beach.

* * *

She didn't see him again until dinner; it was easier to keep up the pretence of normalcy when they weren't together.

Before the kiss had made things weird between them, they'd eaten together almost every night; they fell back into that routine now, though the new level of intimacy they shared made small talk seem like more of a burden. Throughout the whole meal, Kate felt strangely self-conscious; every time Jack made her laugh, every time he picked at something on her plate, or she on his, every time their body language began to stray beyond friendly, she felt the urge to look around, to see if anyone was watching them. No one was, but still, she couldn't wait to be alone with him, so that she could enjoy his company without worrying about how their actions would be interpreted.

It wasn't just the fear of inciting gossip that kept her from wanting to make their relationship public though. There was something else bothering her too. Someone else.

Looking up from her plate, she could see him sitting by himself, over near his tent, at the edge of the campsite, where no one would ever accuse him of being part of the group. Kate wasn't sure if it was just because she was feeling guilty, but she thought he looked lonely; she was the only one he'd tolerated for more than five minutes at a time, and they hadn't spoken to each other in over a week.

Sensing her preoccupation, Jack followed her gaze. She could see him watching Sawyer out of the corner of her eye. Even though they weren't touching, they were sitting close enough together that she could feel his body tense; Kate may have chosen him in the end, but this didn't seem to stop him from getting jealous of the southerner, especially since, as they were both painfully aware, Sawyer had gotten there first. She'd kissed him first, slept with him first, but she'd never told him half the things she'd told Jack last night, though she knew he couldn't know that.

Seizing the opportunity to bring up the subject that had been weighing on her mind all afternoon, she said softly, so the others couldn't hear, "I know we agreed to keep things quiet for a while, but I think we should at least tell him."

Jack tore his gaze away from his rival, turning to look at her in the firelight. "You said you weren't together, Kate, so we're not doing anything wrong."

She took a moment to answer, trying to figure out how best to explain why she needed to do this. "I know," she said finally. "I just feel bad for him, that's all. I never wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt anyone."

He softened at this, reaching out to touch her shoulder, and for once, she didn't care what anyone else thought. "You didn't have a choice," he said. "Someone was always going to get hurt, and that someone just happened to be him."

Kate laid a hand on top of his, squeezing it gently. "I know, and you're right, but I think he needs to know why."

Jack nodded, conceding. "Okay," he agreed, "but just don't expect him to take it well. I didn't."

* * *

After dinner, Kate swallowed her pride and went to see Sawyer.

He was seated on the airplane cushions outside his tent, his nose buried in a battered copy of The Island of Dr. Moreau. He must have known she was there, but he didn't look up, even when her shadow fell across the book, obscuring the pages.

"You're in my light," he said, his tone clipped.

"I know. I need to talk to you."

He made a show of turning the page, as if to illustrate the fact that he intended to go on reading, with or without her there. "Yeah, well I don't need to talk to you," he said shortly, his eyes still glued to the book.

Kate was tempted to rip it away from him, so that he would have to look at her, but she settled for making the announcement she knew would get his attention. "I slept with Jack. Last night."

He tensed, like she knew he would, his eyes finally coming up to meet hers. She thought she saw a flicker of emotion in them: pain, jealousy maybe, but he recovered quickly, drawling, "Careful there, Freckles, or you might get yourself a reputation."

She knew that he wanted her to think that he wasn't taking this seriously, but he was, more than he'd ever let on. He'd claimed to love her not that long ago; whether that was true or not, there was no way that this didn't affect him. He was hurt, that was why he was reacting so defensively, but she was determined not to let that stop her from finishing what she'd come there to say.

"It wasn't just sex," she corrected him. "I'm in love with him, and I know he feels the same way about me. I'm not sure whether things will work out between us, but I have to try." He was giving her a slightly incredulous look, as if to say, "Why the hell are you telling me this?", so she added quickly, "I don't expect you to do anything, I just wanted to tell you before you heard it from somebody else."

Sawyer pretended to go back to his book, as if he wasn't really listening, making it pretty clear that he didn't want to hear any more. "Yeah, well, good luck to you both. Let me know when the wedding is, and I'll send you a toaster."

It bothered Kate to see him looking so defeated. She wanted to say something to smooth over the hurt, but before she could open her mouth to speak, he cut her off, dropping his book, his eyes flashing in a way that they hadn't for a long time, at least, not at her.

"What the hell do you want?" he snapped, his voice belaying the emotion he'd tried so hard to conceal. "You said you're with him now, and I said fine. I woulda thought you'd be happy."

"I just—"

"You just nothin'." Glaring at her, he picked up his book again, thumbing through the pages until he reached his place.

When she continued to stare at him, at a loss for words, he added, "Are we done yet? 'Cause the hero's just about to find out what they're hiding on this weird ass island." Scooting over in his chair so that the firelight hit his book, he turned his attention away from her again, effectively ending the conversation.

Kate watched him sadly for a moment, speaking more to herself than to him. "Yeah, I guess we are."


	5. Chapter 5

As much as I know you guys love the fluffy new relationship stuff, I have to get to the plot some time, so I'm skipping forward a few weeks in this chapter. It's only short though, so I'm adding chapter 6 as well.

Thanks to those of you who are reviewing -- the worst thing about updating daily is that you get like 2 or 3 reviews for something that may have taken you a few hours to write, so it can be a little like you're being punished for being reliable, especially when you see that some people are getting like 300, 400, 500 reviews for ongoing fics. So thanks -- knowing that you guys are waiting makes me want to keep going.

Oh, and I'm glad you all liked Sawyer. I thought there needed to be some resolution there -- he needed to know that he lost. If I can, I'd like to put in something more positive though, before they leave the island, because as hurt as he is, I think deep down he's happy for them, or Kate at least. It's the whole Wolverine thing, or at least that's the way I write it. He loves her, but he knows she loves Jack, so rather than be the consolation prize, he's willing to let her go.

* * *

Chapter 5. Only A Matter Of Time 

To Kate's surprise, Sawyer didn't say a word to anyone about what she'd told him, but she could feel him watching them sometimes as they sat by the fire, or made the morning rounds, scowling whenever they headed off into the jungle together. It hurt him, she knew, to know that he had lost, especially when she'd given him false hope, but he was being stoic about it; she couldn't help feeling that he'd resigned himself to their relationship long before she and Jack had themselves.

Maybe Sun was right, she thought, maybe it was obvious that they'd end up together, so obvious that no one had noticed the change in the way they interacted. Not that it had changed much; they were careful to avoid public displays of affection like touching or kissing, so other than the usual "verbal copulation", as Charlie called it, there really wasn't any outward sign of the growing bond between them.

They went back to the cove the night she told Sawyer, and the next night, and every night after that, as soon as the others had settled down to sleep. Jack would come by her tent around midnight, later if Aaron was keeping Claire awake, and they'd walk down the beach; it was the only way they knew to be alone with each other, without the threat of interruption. Sometimes they talked; sometimes they made love; sometimes they just lay together in the sand, looking up at the stars, thinking about the past, or the future, or whatever was on their minds.

Those first few weeks with Jack were some of the best of Kate's life; she never wanted them to end, never wanted to leave, but as she knew only too well, nothing lasted forever, least of all the things she really wanted. Whenever she lapsed into something as perfect as life on the island with Jack, something always came along to screw it up irrevocably.

Once that something had been the marshal, who'd represented the past she could never seem to escape, but he was dead now, replaced by a group of faceless men in suits. She had nightmares about them sometimes; even though she'd never seen them, she couldn't shake the sense of foreboding knowing that they were coming to ruin her happiness again.

It was only a matter of time.

The weeks flew by in an intoxicating blur, and still they managed to keep their secret from everyone except Sawyer and Sun. As their relationship shifted from new and exciting, into something more solid and dependable than Kate ever could have hoped for, she found herself thinking more and more about the future, wondering if Sun would be right, if they really would be as happy as she must have been when she first married Jin. It would be a long time before she and Jack were where they were now, but she couldn't help believing that maybe, just maybe, things would work out this time. Jack wasn't a cop, and he knew the truth; they were safe here at the edge of the ocean, cocooned in the private world of the island that had become their home. The Others were leaving them alone again; no one else could bother them, or so Kate thought, until a few days before Christmas, when the rescue ships they'd long since given up on finally arrived.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6. How Long Do We Have?

The day of the rescue started off like any other, with Kate waking up on the beach in Jack's arms. They'd both become attuned to the sunrise by then, so they rose well before dawn, making the most of the extra hour or so before they had to get back to camp.

They had the whole sneaking around thing down to a fine art now, leading to few near misses as they grew in audacity, staying out later and later each morning. They could always just tell everyone, Kate knew, but the time they spent together didn't seem to be anyone's business but their own.

As opposed as she was to the idea of becoming island tabloid fodder, she was even less eager to experience the pressure of such a public romance. If people were already joking about them moving in together before they were even a couple, she didn't really want to know what they'd say once they knew it was a possibility.

It was better that they kept things to themselves; without that pressure, they were free to take their time.

Time was a luxury Kate thought they'd always have, until working in the garden later that morning, she heard a strange commotion coming from the beach. People were shouting; at first she thought the Others had come back, but they sounded too joyful for that. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

"What do you think's going on out there?" she asked Sun, who was kneeling in the dirt beside her, planting some seeds, looking much more like her usual self now that she was entering her second trimester.

They both stopped to listen; Kate couldn't make out what anyone was saying, just the tones of their voices, and even that, only faintly.

"I don't know," Sun said finally, frowning. "Maybe they found some more food."

"That's probably it," Kate agreed, picking up her makeshift trowel, but she couldn't seem to convince herself that that was all it was.

The last Dharma drop off had caused quite a stir, but nothing as rambunctious as this, and they hadn't been expecting it then. The garden wasn't all that near the beach; even if the supplies had landed there by mistake, they shouldn't have been able to hear it.

Her worst fears were confirmed a moment later when Jack came crashing through the jungle.

"Is everything—?" Sun began, but he silenced her with a wave of his hand, gesturing for her to wait until he could speak again.

The knot in Kate's stomach grew as he doubled over, hands on his thighs, catching his breath. Whatever it was that he came here to tell them, he wasn't happy about; she'd spent enough time watching his face by the light of the fire to know when he was troubled, and he looked deeply troubled now.

"What happened, Jack?" she asked, standing up, but deep down, she already knew. It was what she'd been dreading since that first night on the beach; rescue had come, but not for her.

He recovered, straightening up, his eyes locked on hers as he answered, "About half an hour ago, Charlie and Claire saw a ship on the horizon. We thought it was just going to pass by at first – Desmond had the boat ready to chase it – but it didn't. It's almost here."

Sun had been listening to his story too; Kate heard her revert to her native tongue as she cried out excitedly, but even if she'd spoken in English, Kate wasn't sure she would have understood. Everything seemed so far away all of a sudden: Sun, Jack, the piece of metal in her hands… There was a rushing sound in ears, as if the world was crashing down around her; she was having trouble breathing as she choked out, "Maybe it's just a cruise ship or something. They'll have to go back to Australia, or wherever they came from, to get help…

"We still have time…" she whispered, her eyes pleading with him not to contradict her. This wasn't the end; it couldn't be. They were still getting to know each other; if she went to jail now, they'd never know if this was it. She hadn't even told him she loved him, though she knew by the pain in her heart that she did, more than she'd ever wanted to.

Though Jack was almost forty, Kate had never thought he looked old until that moment. His eyes were weary, as he said, as gently as if he was speaking to a small child, "No, Kate – I think they were looking for us. There're about a dozen lifeboats, and about fifty or so people in uniforms. It's a rescue operation, which means…" he trailed off, overcome with emotion at the thought of what he'd left unsaid.

Kate felt the remaining air leave her lungs then; she was pretty sure her legs would have collapsed if he hadn't been there to catch her, cradling her against his chest. It wasn't fair; this couldn't be happening, not again. She wanted to say something, to express the tumult of emotions bubbling inside her, but all she could manage was, "No," repeating it over and over again, as if by saying it, she could somehow make it true.

There was nothing he could say to make this better, so Jack pulled her closer to him, and she buried her face in his chest. She could feel his body shaking as he sobbed along with her, his future now tied up inescapably with hers. It wasn't just her world that was ending; a part of her wished that she had chosen Sawyer, if only to save him this pain. How could they be punishing them both in tandem for something she'd done before she'd even met him? She was a better person because of him; that had to count for something.

"How long do we have?" she asked quietly, when she could finally form more than a monosyllabic sentence. It still didn't feel real, but the old horror was settling in once more, becoming as natural to her as the joy she'd felt when she'd left him this morning.

This was just like one of her nightmares, only this time, she wasn't going to wake to find herself curled against his chest on the beach, his arm around her as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

This time, he couldn't make her feel safe.

"Not long," he said, still gripping her tightly, though his hold was weakening, as if he was already slipping away. "I came as fast as I could, but when I left the beach, they were almost ashore.

"They're probably rounding everybody up as we speak."


	7. Chapter 7

Don't cry -- Jack has a plan! It's not a very good one, but still...

Thanks for the reviews. I'm sorry you couldn't get through yellosh, maybe later? I've been having the same problem, so I know how frustrating it is.

I love the idea of Desmond giving them his boat so that they can run away together. It's fitting, considering that Libby gave it to him so that he could win back Penny. I think she'd want them to have it.

* * *

Chapter 7. Let's Go

"Does Jin know?" Sun asked, standing up. It was only then that they both remembered that she was still in the garden.

"What?" Jack looked confused, irritated, his mind on other things. "I guess so. I don't know."

Sun gave them both a sympathetic look as she dusted herself off, heading down the path to the beach.

They were on their own now, Kate realised. Everyone would feel sorry for them, but no one would understand how it felt to be in their shoes, to see their salvation as something other than a miracle. How could they? Last they'd heard, she and Jack were still friends; they had no idea what the two of them were being forced to give up.

She wanted to go on holding onto Jack until one of the suited men came and pried her off of him, but that wasn't going to help anything, the pragmatist in her insisted. After three years of running, going quietly now wasn't going to affect the outcome of her trial, but she wanted to maintain her dignity for as long as she could. She didn't want Jack's last memory of her to be of her acting hysterical; that wasn't how he'd known her, how he'd loved her. She was braver than that.

Lifting her head, she kissed him gently, pulling back so that she could study his face one last time. She wanted to commit every detail to memory: every line, every feature, so that she wouldn't forget, even if she never saw him again. He looked so sad; she wished there was something she could say to make this easier for him, but there wasn't. He knew the truth now, and that spoke for itself.

When she couldn't stand his desolation any longer, she tore her gaze away, releasing him and taking his hand. "Let's go," she said, tugging him gently towards the beach. They couldn't put it off any longer, not when the anticipation hurt so much.

"Okay," he agreed, snapping out of his trance, and she was surprised that he didn't put up more of a fight. She'd always expected him to encourage her to turn herself in, but he didn't seem as conflicted as she'd imagined he'd be when that moment actually arrived.

"Jack? I'm sorry," she said, afraid that he was angry with her. She couldn't take it if he hated her for breaking his heart, when she'd gone to great lengths to be honest with him in the beginning. They hadn't entered into this blind; both of them knew this could happen one day. She'd given him an out, and he hadn't taken it, so the blame wasn't all hers.

He squeezed her hand reassuringly as they walked through the jungle. "Don't be," he said, and he actually smiled.

He wasn't upset with her, but he wasn't upset either, which Kate found disturbing. "Are you okay?" she asked as they stepped out onto the beach. Everyone was scurrying around talking and laughing and gathering their possessions; she couldn't remember the last time she'd seen this much activity, except maybe the day of the crash, or the days that Desmond and the Tailies had arrived.

"Yeah. Get your stuff," he instructed, stopping by the flap of her tent. He looked nervous all of a sudden; she could see him watching the rescue crew as they talked to Locke and Sayid. Sure enough, there beside them in the huddle were two men in button down shirts, and F.B.I issue sunglasses. There was also a blonde woman, who, although dressed in ordinary clothes, seemed to be in charge.

Kate ducked into her tent, gathering her things: clothes, shoes, her mugshot, Tom's plane, shoving them into her backpack. She didn't see the point; they'd only confiscate them when they arrested her again, but it seemed important to Jack, so she decided to humour him.

"Do you still have Joanna's passport?" he asked from outside her shelter, and she could tell by the distraction in his voice that he was still watching the Feds.

"Yeah," she admitted, ashamed that even after she'd been discovered with it, she'd kept it, just in case. "Do you think I should get rid of it?"

"No, I think you should bring it," he said.

She dropped the passport on top of the rest of her things, zipping her backpack up, and crawling out of the tent. "What's going on, Jack?" she asked, seeing how much more agitated he was now that the Feds were surveying the beach.

"Just trust me, okay?" His eyes were pleading as he added, "Wait here, and don't talk to anyone. I'll be right back."

He rushed off to his own tent, leaving her standing there alone and confused. She didn't have to worry about talking to anyone though, because everyone seemed to be avoiding her; Charlie scurried past with his guitar, giving her a wary look before catching up with Claire and Aaron. They all knew the Feds were there to arrest her, but they didn't seem to know what to say, so they kept their mouths shut, pretending that it wasn't happening. Kate wished she could do the same, although she had to admit, Jack was doing a pretty good job of that for both of them.

At first, she'd thought he was just stalling, but his actions seemed too focused for that. She watched him emerge from his tent with his belongings packed, heading over to the beach pantry, where he proceeded to fill a second backpack with what remained of the food. She wondered for a moment if he was considering staying on the island, but then, there wouldn't have been any reason to bring her back to the beach if he was.

He shoved a few bottle of water in with the food, returning to her side, and taking her hand again. "Ready?"

For what, she wasn't sure, but she nodded, allowing him to lead her down the beach. He didn't take her to where the rescuers were gathered, though, weaving his way through the crowd in the opposite direction, until they almost ran into Desmond, who was returning from his boat with the rest of his things.

"Desmond, I need your boat," Jack said hurriedly, glancing back over at the Feds. They hadn't spotted Kate yet; they were too far away, and there were too many people on the beach for them to notice any one particular person.

Jack wasn't the only one distracted by the crowd of rescuers. Desmond's eyes were trained on them too, only he appeared to be watching the woman in charge, an overjoyed grin lighting up his face as he asked, "What do you need that for then? Haven't you heard? We're saved."

Jack glanced over at Kate, as if to say, "Not all of us". Desmond caught the look that passed between them, nodding his assent. "Take it, brother, and the best of luck to you."

He laughed as he added, "After all the trouble it's caused me, I'll be glad if I never see it again."


	8. Chapter 8

I can't promise you that he'll be shirtless, but I can promise you Jack fiddling with sails in this chapter. And getting ansty, more so than Kate for once. I'm writing from her POV, but this story is about him, so his issues will become more prominent as it goes on. I just like the idea of not being in his head: like last time, only reversed.

I don't think they'll go back to the US -- that will likely lead to a Jaby / playing house story, and there are too many of those, plus, they're more likely to be recognised there. They're going to stay in the South Pacific for a while, which means I've acutally had to do some research. I've never been sailing so I had to read up on that too, so bear with me if the details are a little off.

If you're not reviewing, please, please do so. I don't want to have to hold the next chapter for ransom, but this is getting depressing. I've written almost 12,000 words in less than a week -- the least you could do is leave me a few in return. It doesn't have to be anything much, and it doesn't have to be every chapter, just let me know what you liked, or didn't like, or would like to see more of. The main reason I started posting on this site is because I want to be a published author, and I thought the feedback would help me improve. I can't acually publish this stuff elsewhere, so without your comments, there's no point. I might as well go work on something else. So please, if you're reading, do the right thing, and I'll keep updating as fast as I can. And thank you to those of you who are already doing this -- you guys give me hope that I'm not actually talking to myself.

* * *

Chapter 8. Don't Fight Me On This 

Once he'd thanked Desmond, Jack took Kate's hand again, propelling her in the direction of the boat. He was moving so fast that she almost had to run to keep up with him, despite the fact that he was weighed down by a backpack on each shoulder.

"The boat, Jack?" she asked once his plan became apparent. "You can't be serious." She glanced back over her shoulder; the Feds hadn't spotted them yet. It wasn't too late to turn back.

Jack seemed to have made up his mind, because he stopped, rounding on her, so that she almost ran into him. "Why not? You're not the only person on this island who's killed someone. Why should you be the only one punished?"

Seeing the wild determination in his eyes, Kate realised that she'd been wrong. He wasn't taking it well; he wasn't taking it at all; if anything, he was handling her impeding incarceration worse than she was. "Because I did it back in civilization," she said, wishing he would just accept the situation like she had. He was only making it harder, for her, and himself.

"You left the gas on, Kate – that's not murder. Michael shot and killed two people, and he gets to just go back. Why should it be any different for you?"

Kate sighed, finding it harder to argue now that she could see that he wasn't going to give her any ground. They didn't have time to debate ethics; sooner or later, they were going to get caught, and she didn't really want to make a scene in front of their friends. "I don't know, Jack," she said tiredly, losing her patience. "It just is. But it doesn't matter, because even if he—"

"Don't give me that 'guilt is its own punishment crap'," he retorted, raising his voice so that they both had to look back to see if he'd attracted any attention to himself.

Desmond had joined the group by then, along with a few others, picking the blonde woman up and swinging her around, laughing, so that all eyes, even the Feds, were on him.

"Don't give me that," Jack repeated, softer this time, "because we both know it's not the same thing. You still have to wake up every morning knowing what you did – I don't see why it has to be from a prison cell."

"Jack—" she began, determined to keep him from making the biggest mistake of his life, but he cut her off, his voice pleading as he added, "Please don't fight me on this, Kate. I don't have the strength."

This decision was tearing him apart; she could see it in his eyes, which was exactly why she couldn't let him go through with it. He wasn't thinking rationally, because if he were, he would realise that he wasn't the kind of person who ran from his problem, not like her. It was something they'd always differed on, only this time, their roles were reversed.

"Do you have any idea what the penalty is for aiding and abetting a wanted criminal?" she asked, playing devil's advocate, hoping that this would deter him, where nothing else had. He could lose everything: his family, his career, even his freedom; she couldn't let him become a fugitive like her. He was made for bigger things than that. "I can't ask you to take that risk," she said, begging him to drop it.

But he didn't. "You don't have to."

Once, when they were with the Others, he'd been willing to sacrifice everything, even his integrity, for her. She knew she should have realised that this time wouldn't be any different. "If you do this, Jack," she said, gentler this time, "there's no going back."

"Well, I guess you're stuck with me then," he agreed, flashing her a self-deprecating grin.

She was losing the argument; any second now he was going to climb onto that boat, and ruin what was left of his life. "Don't make light of this, Jack," she pleaded, willing him to see that this wasn't some romantic adventure. If they did this, she wasn't sure their relationship could take the strain of his resentment. If he even lasted that long; unwarranted images of Tom, bleeding and lifeless, slipped into her mind, and she forced them back, determined to prevent history from repeating itself. "You're throwing your life away here."

He took her hands in both of his, his eyes earnest, devoid of humour, as he said, "You are my life, Kate. I don't know how I would have made it through these last few months without you."

She wanted to pull away from him, to run back to the Feds and turn herself in, but she couldn't, because she saw then, for the first time, what he was trying to say. She was the one going to prison; her life would be over, fixed, but his… He was the one being forced to move on, to sit back and do nothing while they were torn apart, and that wasn't who he was either. He needed to do something, anything, even if it wasn't right.

Seeing that she was weakening, he added, "My father's dead, my mother won't talk to me because of it, and my ex-wife has a new family now. There's nothing left for me back home.

"I don't care where I go next, as long as you're there with me. I'd stay here for the rest of my life if I could, if it meant never having to say goodbye to you."

Kate could feel the tears beginning to burn her eyes now, threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. She was afraid that if she tried to speak, she'd start to cry, and then she wouldn't be able to stop.

He cupped her face in his hands, looking down at her with an anguished expression as he delivered the killing blow, the words that finished her off completely. "I can't lose you too, Kate, not when I had to travel halfway around the world to find you.

"I love you."

It was the first time he'd said it; for a moment, Kate just stared at him, shocked. It was the worst kind of manipulation, and she hated herself for giving into it, but she found herself nodding in spite of her trepidation, willing to do just about anything he asked if it meant hearing him say those three little words again.

"Okay," she agreed, knowing, in the same way that she'd known the Feds were coming, that she would regret it one day, but he'd given her no choice. She couldn't argue with that, not when she was still trying to work up the courage to tell him the same thing. "But if we get caught, it was my idea. I don't want you getting into trouble because of me."

He looked like he wanted to argue, but realising that if he let her win this battle, he'd win the overall war, he gave her a slight nod, glancing back down the beach.

The Feds were questioning people now; Kate cringed when she saw that they were talking to Hurley, who looked distinctly uncomfortable in their presence. He shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant, but he was squirming, trying to catch Charlie's eye, as if he couldn't wait to let someone else take over. She didn't think it would take him long to crack, and admit that he knew her, maybe even point her out, so she said, "If we're going to do this, we have to move."

Jack looked at her anxiously, and the hope that was beginning to rise inside of her almost evaporated, but he didn't back down, hurrying the rest of the way to the dinghy, and dropping his backpacks inside, before climbing into it himself. He helped her in after him, and together they rowed around to the other side of the boat, where they couldn't be seen scrambling onto the deck from the beach.

"Once the anchor is up, I'm going to get the sails," Jack said, dropping his backpack and heading for the other side of the boat, "which means, I'm going to need you to steer."

As he hoisted the anchor onto the deck, Kate shed her own backpack, taking hold of the wheel as she waited for him to give her issue instructions. He was the captain of this operation after all.

"We're after speed," he said, moving to trim the sails, "so we need to get as close to the wind as possible. If we get too close, we'll luff, which means the sails will fill with air, and we'll end up stalling, so you need to make sure we stay close-hauled, or about twenty-two degrees off. It's headed roughly east, so you'll have to turn the wheel towards the port. That's left."

"I know where the port is, Jack," she said, turning the wheel to the left like he instructed. The rudder moved with it, guiding the back end of the boat out into the water. "I've done this before – you don't have to keep explaining."

He looked vaguely surprised as he finished adjusting the sails, so she added, "I may have grown up in the Midwest, but I spent a couple of summers working on sailboats. I probably know my way around them better than you do."

He laughed, flashing her the self-deprecating smile that always meant he was going to make fun of himself. "I don't think so," he said. "I'm a doctor's son, remember? Just about everybody I knew growing up had a yacht."

"Golf, sailing – I never thought you were such a cliché, Jack," she teased, realising that she was enjoying herself in spite of the gravity of the situation.

She'd been sceptical of his plan at first, but it was beginning to look like they might make it. Travelling steadily up the coast, they'd already begun to leave the rescue boat behind; Kate could see the other survivors receding into the distance, each doing his or her best to distract the Feds once they cottoned on to what Jack and Kate were doing. Just before they faded from view completely, she spotted Sawyer's broad form, standing at the edge of the water, away from the others. He was watching them go, and even though she couldn't quite make out his face, she could tell that he was smiling.


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks for your reviews. There's still a gaping chasm between the number of hits I've received, and the number of reviews, but I'm learning to deal with it.

This chapter, you'll start to get a better idea of where this fic is headed, emotionally and geographically. Still no shirtless Jack, but the possibility is raised, once you see where they're going. I've never been there myself, so I'll be relying on research, but if you have and have any ideas or information, let me know.

I'm glad you guys liked the last chapter, particularly the idea of Sawyer silently cheering them on -- I figure that he'd help Kate escape, so he'd be impressed that Jack had the guts to do it too.

And don't worry, there will be plenty of conflict -- as you can see, Kate thinks Jack is making a mistake, but he won't listen to her, so she's sort of waiting for him to realise it on his own. He wasn't exactly thinking rationally when he made the decision to run, so once the romance wears off, and he realises what Kate's lifestyle entails, he'll probably begin to understand why she was so opposed to the idea.

Anyway, let me know what you think. I know life jackets aren't sexy, but Jack's a responsible guy, and besides, it would kind of suck if they went to all that trouble to escape, then fell overboard and drowned.

* * *

Chapter 9. Second Thoughts 

Since they hadn't agreed on a destination, they slowed down once they'd left the island, safer now that they were out of sight of the rescuers. Jack reduced the sails, and they just drifted along with the breeze for a while, letting their adrenaline levels return to normal.

Once the immediate threat was over, he made Kate put on a life jacket, slipping it gently over her head. He was so close to her as he adjusted the straps that he didn't seem to be able to resist more substantial contact, bringing his lips down to kiss her once he'd finished doing up the buckles. She decided that if she was going to have to wear one, so was he, so she helped him into his, drawing it out in a similar way, and then, checking the knots on the sails, he went to sit on the side of the deck.

All of the fight seemed to go out of him as he rolled up his jeans, dangling his legs over the side, his eyes travelling back in the direction of the island. Watching him closely, Kate saw his expression change from triumphant and relieved, to one she knew only too well. It was the same one she'd seen on his face when Joanna drowned, when Claire was kidnapped, when Boone died… he was beating himself up, criticising himself for the decisions he'd made, the way she knew his father had when he was alive.

Leaving the wheel, she sat down beside him, as close as she could without unbalancing the port side. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he agreed, avoiding her eyes, still staring back the way they'd come. There was nothing but water for miles around now; Kate wasn't even sure which direction they were travelling in.

"But you're having second thoughts," she supplied for him. He looked at her apologetically, so she added, "It's okay, I knew you would. That's why I tried to talk you out of it."

"I don't regret this – us," he corrected her, taking her hand, and lacing his fingers gently through hers, as he pulled it towards him. He stared down at their hands in his lap as he tried to add casually, "I just… I was their leader for so long. I feel like I should have been the one talking to the rescue crew, but at the time, all I could think of was you."

Kate didn't know what to say to that exactly, so she leaned over and kissed him softly, resting her forehead against his. "It's okay to be selfish sometimes," she told him, hating to see him so burdened by this, but at the same time, knowing that it was part of the reason she loved him. "You're only human – you did what you thought you had to." When he didn't look any less troubled, she added, "Don't worry about the others – Sayid will look after them."

He gave her a weak smile, and even though he didn't say anymore on the subject, she could tell it was still weighing on his mind. He'd brood on it for hours now, but he wouldn't talk about it, letting it fester until it kept him up at night. She wished he would just let her share in his troubles, the way she'd finally allowed him to share in hers. Their relationship was supposed to be give and take, but so far, she felt like she was the one who'd done all the taking, while he added the weight of her burdens onto his own.

She never got the chance to tell him any of this though, because he shifted away, turning back towards the ocean. When he looked at her again, he was grinning, trying to appear upbeat as he changed the subject to something more neutral. "So," he said, his voice oddly casual, not matching the guilt she could still see in his eyes, "if you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?"

She didn't really want to play this game, hypothetically, or otherwise, but she couldn't make him open up to her, so she decided to drop it, at the risk of starting a fight. "I don't know," she said, considering the question. It was one she'd asked herself too many times before, each time she was forced to run. "I was going to go to Bali before the marshal caught up with me," she confessed.

"Bali," he repeated, looking thoughtful. "I've never been, but I've heard they have some great resorts."

"I wouldn't have taken you for a resort kind of guy, Jack," she said, amused, and a little turned on, by the image of him basking shirtless by the pool. Maybe Bali wasn't such a bad idea after all.

He looked embarrassed as he admitted, "I'm not really. I got married in Hawaii, but that was Sarah. She wanted the whole beach wedding."

Kate didn't know what to say to that, so she let it hang there, waiting for him to change the subject. While she'd accepted that he'd been with other women before her, it still wasn't something she wanted to dwell on.

"I bet Bali's not too far from here," he said, taking her silence as a cue to return to their previous topic. "We could find it if you want, take a look around, maybe even stay there over Christmas. Then, once we've seen everything there is to see, or we get sick of it, we can go someplace else. I never really got the chance to see Australia properly."

His mood had lightened considerably, so Kate decided to let his issues slide. For now. The subject of his second thoughts would come up again, and soon, she knew, but he seemed to be enjoying this moment of freedom, so she decided not to ruin it by reminding him of his doubts.

"Okay," she agreed, warming to the prospect of spending their first holiday together. She'd always thought it would be on the island, with the others, but as long as she was with him, it didn't really matter. Nothing did, except maybe the sense of foreboding she felt when she caught him unaware. His smile faded then, only returning when he realised she was looking at him. Knowing she'd seen him, he'd make some show of affection, or say something light-hearted to distract her, but she couldn't forget how unhappy he looked already.

He retrieved a pile of maps from the cabin, and they spent the next hour pouring over them, getting their bearings, until they were pretty sure they knew which direction they needed to head in.

Satisfied that, if the wind kept up, they would be in Bali by the next afternoon at the latest, they returned to their posts: Jack at the sails, and Kate at the tiller, working together to bring the boat on step closer to their destination.


	10. Chapter 10

You guys aren't going to give up on shirtless Jack, are you? I'll make you a deal – since I'm not really comfortable writing a description like the one you gave me, gia, feel free to imagine him without a shirt whenever you like. It doesn't affect the story either way, so whatever keeps you reading… ;)

I did, however, love your Kevin idea. The only problem is – I've never seen him. Season Three hasn't aired here yet (Feb 15!) so all I have to go on is Nathan Fillion's other roles (I think he's awesome, by the way, I was really excited when I heard he was going to be on Lost!), so you'll have to let me know if he's: a). Softly spoken and sweet like he was on Miss Match b). Funny and charming, but kind of a jerk, like on Firefly, or c). A creepy sexist pig like on Buffy. I'm thinking the first one, just to twist the knife for poor Kate, but let me know and I'll see what I can do. Tell me too if you think he should be trying to get over her, like Jack was with Sarah in Asia, or with another woman, and whether he should know who she is by now.

It's interesting that you mentioned money, because that's something I was going to address next chapter. They're used to very different financial situations, so that should lead to enough angst to keep you all happy. Jack's used to a full bank account and a steady income, while Kate has to be more creative, so you can bet he's going to have issues with some of her methods for obtaining funds…

* * *

Chapter 10. You Went To Asia? 

The wind kept up, and the weather stayed fine, so, as predicted, they reached the Balinese mainland by midafternoon the following day.

Tuning the little radio they found in the cabin into an Australian station, Kate checked the news bulletins every hour, but while they mentioned the rescue, they gave no indication that anyone was looking for her or Jack, so she switched it off after a while, deciding that they really were in the clear. The other survivors appeared to have kept their silence, even Hurley, so by now, they must have been listed among the missing, presumed dead. It was a little upsetting, knowing that what was left of both their families – her father and his mother – would have their hopes raised, only to be dashed again, for good this time, but it was done now. Their situation was a little unorthodox, but at least it allowed them to stay together, without the threat of a thirty-year prison term hanging over their heads.

Kate was standing at the wheel, staring out at the white sands of Bali's south coast as it came into view, when Jack came up behind her, sliding his arms around her waist, and resting his chin in the crook between her neck and shoulder. It was too hot to be this close, but she didn't push him away, relieved that things were finally returning to normal between them. He'd been quiet all last night, and this morning, keeping her at a distance, but at that moment, he seemed much more like his old self.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" he said, his head still on her shoulder, his voice sending vibrations through her throat. "Kind of reminds me of the island, only more developed."

It was starting to cool down now, so the beach was bustling with a combination of locals and tourists, some swimming, some surfing, some just enjoying the afternoon sun. Ahead of them, Kate could see a group of American, Australian, or possibly English, teenagers water-skiing, laughing whenever one of them took a spill.

"It's weird – I can't remember the last time I saw this many people," she said, her eyes roaming over the couples, families, and groups of friends arranged on beach blankets, or frolicking in the surf.

"It's tourist season, which means we'll blend right in – just another couple enjoying a vacation together." He tightened his arms around her, kissing the side of her jaw, then letting his chin come back down to rest on her shoulder.

A vacation – when was the last time she'd had one of those? Kate honestly couldn't remember. She was supposed to go on one with Kevin, but that hadn't happened… she banished the thought before it led to a brooding session of her own, recovering her smile at the idea of a romantic getaway with Jack.

Maybe he was right, maybe this arrangement wouldn't be so bad after all, she thought as she settled back against his chest, enjoying the feel of his body against hers, even if they were both lathered with sweat. She'd been alone for so long; it was nice to enjoy the adventure with someone else this time, someone would who would make it feel more like a holiday, and less like hiding out, waiting for death, or imprisonment, whichever came first.

* * *

They brought the boat into the docks at Kuta, a little further along the coast, taking only their backpacks with them when they disembarked.

Even though she'd given up the thought that anyone was looking for them, Kate didn't think they could be too careful, so after they'd anchored the boat, as they were walking towards the city, she said to Jack, "I was thinking – we should probably rename the boat."

He glanced sideways at her, confused, as he answered, "I thought you said you'd been around boats before."

"I have."

"So then you should know that changing a boat's name is considered bad luck."

This comment surprised her; Jack had never been one for superstition, especially ones as whimsical as those invented by sailors. "I do," she agreed, "and normally I would respect that, but I'm less concerned about rules and traditions right now than I am about staying off the radar. When I was on the run, I used to change license plates all the time. You can never be too careful."

She could tell he was considering this, but he looked unconvinced. "Desmond probably had a reason for naming it what he did. Do we really need to change it? There was nothing about a manhunt on the radio."

Kate sighed, frustrated by this unexpected show of sentimentality. She'd always figured Jack for more of a pragmatist, but that pragmatism didn't seem to include the kind of sudden and unceremonious change she was used to. "You're right, they probably don't even know that we're still alive, but it's better to be safe than sorry. It's not like Desmond is ever going to know – he gave the boat to us."

Jack stopped walking, his expression troubled, his eyes visibly shocked. "You think that everyone thinks we're dead?"

As surprised as he was to hear her say it, Kate was equally surprised that the thought hadn't occurred to him earlier. "Don't you?" He didn't say anything, so she added, "We weren't on the beach when the rescue boats came, so unless somebody tipped them off, they probably crossed our names off along with everyone else's who died in the crash." She frowned, confused. "I thought you must have factored that into your plan."

"I didn't," he said, that old unsettled look returning. "So we're dead, huh?" He tried to make it sound like a joke, but it wasn't funny, to either of them. "Well, at least they're not coming after us."

He started walking again, his eyes focused straight ahead as he brooded on this. She was pretty sure he was thinking about his mother, receiving the news a few days before Christmas that just three months after the loss of her husband, her only son had died, before they could repair their damaged relationship. Now, like she and her own mother, they never would; there was nothing Kate could do to make this situation any better for him, so she slipped her hand into his, to let him know she was there, giving him a small smile when he glanced over at her.

He managed a fairly unconvincing one back as he asked, "So where do you want to go first?"

Sooner or later they were going to have to talk about this, but Kate guessed from the closed expression on his face that it was going to be the latter. If she tried to have that conversation with him now, he'd just deflect her questions with more of his own, so she sighed inwardly, swallowing her frustration as she answered, "I thought we could just walk around for a while, scope the place out – maybe find someplace cheap to stay?"

When he looked like he was going to reject the last part of her plan, she added, "I know this probably isn't what you're used to—" she licked her lips nervously, afraid of upsetting him further with the mention of his ex-wife "—what you would have done with Sarah, but there aren't going to be any five star resorts on this visit. You're going to have to slum it, like I do."

"I can slum it," he said defensively, as if she'd insulted him by pointing out the difference in their financial situations before the island. "After three months of sleeping out in the open, I'd consider any place with a proper bed five star.

"Besides, when I was in Asia…" he trailed off, apparently not wanting to say anymore.

It was Kate's turn to stop now. "You went to Asia?" she asked. "When?" This was the first she'd heard of it. For all the information he'd forced her to divulge about her past, there was still so much she didn't know about his.

When he didn't answer right away, she added, "I just wouldn't have figured you for a world traveller."

"That's what Sawyer said."

She gave him what she figured must have been an incredulous look. "Sawyer? You told Sawyer, but not me?"

Jack sighed, apparently not wanting to have this conversation. "No, I didn't."

She knew it was probably true; he and Sawyer were never great friends, but when she couldn't seem to wipe the hurt look off her face, he caved, adding, "It was a long time ago – after Sarah and I split up. I just needed to get away for a while. It's not something I like to talk about."

He didn't volunteer any more, though she continued to stare at him expectantly, waiting for the moment that he decided their no secrets policy applied to him too. "Let's just keep walking, okay?" he said, starting up again, faster now, so that she had to scurry alongside him. "I'm starving – maybe we could find something to eat that we didn't have to kill ourselves for a change."


	11. Chapter 11

An angsty adventure? I like that. It describes what I (usually) write well. Thanks for the confirmation on the sailing stuff (and the compliments), AlwaysDizzy -- I felt a bit like I was working on one of those shows where the writers throw a lot of jargon together and hope it makes sense.

I'm still not sure about Phuket, ms metaphor -- if I can find some more substantial spoilers, than maybe. And EternalConfusion, well, you know how I love my realism -- I thought the reality of their situation made for a much more interesting story than the whole resort fantasy. You'll see where I'm going with that in this chapter.

And as for Kevin, gia -- I'm so glad he's like that. I'll admit to a little crush on Nathan Fillion -- I love his voice, especially when he does the whole murmuring thing. It gives Jack a run for his money. If it came to a choice between him and Jack, it would be a lot tougher than the one between Jack and Sawyer. Hmm, so the Kevin thing explains Kate's reluctance to "dig in" with Jack... I knew all of that, and a little more, so it wasn't too spoilery. If anything, it wasn't spoilery enough! I still have no idea how I'm going to write him...

* * *

Chapter 11. So You Conned Them? 

The conversation died as they left the harbour, and the boat behind, stepping out onto the streets of Bali.

Kate felt her exasperation begin to fade as she took in their surroundings, which, while composed of many of the structures found in Western cities, seemed to have taken on a life and colour of their own. The heavily congested streets were lined with shops, restaurants, open-aired kiosks and bazaars, as well as several US chains – she spotted a Starbucks, a Pizza Hut, two McDonalds, and a KFC – but unlike in the US, there was a thatched-roofed temple on almost every corner, with idols of Buddha, and various Hindu gods, adorning the walled gardens that surrounded it.

Passing a tourist information tent, Kate stopped to pick up one of the guidebooks, scanning the pages until she came to the section on accommodation. She skimmed over the list of five star hotels and resorts, most of which were on the West coast anyway, until she found some places that were more within their price range.

"The good news is, we don't have to resort to shared accommodation," she said, looking up at Jack, who had stopped beside her, gazing around the busy street. The change in atmosphere seemed to have had the same affect on him as it had her; he was in better spirits now, turning away from admiring the architecture of one of the temples as he waited for her to continue.

"Normally, if I was as low on funds, and prospects, as we are now, I'd go to a backpackers' hostel or something. But it says here," she pointed to the book, and he moved around to read over her shoulder, "that if we don't mind the lack of air conditioning, and personal service, we can get a fairly decent room for between five and ten US dollars a night."

"If the nights are anything like the days here, Kate…" he began reluctantly, trailing off when she gave him a hard look.

"We're not going to be spending much time there," she said, already feeling a little stir-crazy after spending the last day and a half on the boat. "And they have ceiling fans, see?" She pointed to the black and white picture in the guidebook. "I know it's not perfect, but it's better than the island, right? We didn't have air-con there and we survived."

He cracked a little smile then, so she closed the book, taking a step towards him as she added, "Besides, if it gets too hot, we can always strip down, right?"

He chuckled softly, his smile turning into a full-blown grin. "You're just saying that so that you can get your own way."

"Works doesn't it?" She leaned in so that she was close enough to kiss him, and he laughed again, bringing his lips down softly to hers.

"How much cash do you have on you?" she asked when she pulled away a second later. He hadn't said as much, but he'd stopped arguing, so she figured she'd won.

He looked confused at this. "We've been on a deserted island for three months, Kate – when would I have had time to go to an ATM?"

She shook her head to clarify that this wasn't what she'd meant. "Did you rent a car in Australia, or catch a cab to the airport?"

"I rented a car."

He still looked confused, so she elaborated, saying, "So then you must have had some money on you when you boarded the plane, unless you paid by credit." If he was one of those people, that could be a problem, but she was working from the assumption that Jack was a perpetual boy scout – always prepared.

"I don't remember – that was three months ago, Kate. My father had just died – I wasn't exactly thinking straight."

She held out her hand. "Give me your wallet."

He looked a little taken back by the audacity of her command, but he took his wallet out of his backpack, depositing it into her waiting palm. She gave him an amused look as she opened it, riffling through the contents: key cards, credit cards, driver's licence; she had to force back a grin, he'd had longer hair then, making him look strange, boyish, but still gorgeous, in an oddly adorable way. "I saved up a couple of grand working on a farm in Australia," she said, deciding not to comment on the picture. "It was supposed to get me here, but the marshal took it with the rest of my stuff."

Finding what she was looking for, she pulled out a wad of cash. "There must be at least six hundred dollars Australian here," she told him incredulously. "You travel with six hundred dollars in your wallet, Jack?"

He looked embarrassed, as if he'd forgotten about all cash that during their time on the island, which, she reflected, he probably had. "Why? How much do you usually carry?"

"A hell of a lot less than that most days." She laughed, adding, "Lucky for us, you're paranoid." She counted the money again, to make sure that her first estimate had been right. "The exchange rate is pretty good here, so this should last us a while, until we can figure out what to we're going to do about money." She replaced the cash, handing the wallet back to him, surprised when he looked at her strangely.

"Money's not really an issue, Kate, once we can get to a bank. I used to earn over a hundred grand a year – I've got more savings than I can comfortably spend in, I don't know, a while."

Once again, Kate was struck by the feeling that he hadn't thought their situation through as well as she had. "You had savings," she said, as gently as she could. "Past tense. You're dead, remember? Even if your accounts are still open – even if your mother kept them open after the crash – you can't access them without people getting suspicious. The same goes for any credit cards you have."

He was beginning to look a little sick, making Kate wish, as much as she wanted to stay here with him, that he'd listened to her in the first place. He wasn't cut out for this kind of lifestyle; he wasn't used to having to worry about money, or where his next pay check was coming from, or going hungry, or sleeping outside when there were beds readily available. That struggle was all she'd even known, except during the brief time that she was with Kevin, but for him, it was a frightening new reality.

"What do you usually do?" he asked, and she could see that this thought had never occurred to him either. It wasn't really something you thought about unless you had to, she guessed.

"Well, sometimes my dad would send me money," she explained, "but that's not going to happen anymore." She rushed on quickly, determined not to think about the reason for this. It was too painful, the knowledge that after everything, Sam thought she was dead, that she'd died before he could help her straighten out her life.

"When that ran out, I'd find a job that paid cash if I could, or—" she trailed off, realising that in spite of her resolve to be honest with him, there were some things she couldn't tell him. Helping her run was one thing, but for the most part, he was still a fairly black and white guy; earning an honest living was one thing, but some of her methods for obtaining funds didn't exactly fall into that category.

"Or?" he was getting agitated now, seeming to sense the reason behind her abrupt silence.

She didn't want to have this argument now, especially in such a public place. "Can we just get off this topic, please?" she asked, flashing back to his refusal to talk about his travels earlier. Why was she the one always being put on the spot, when he wouldn't answer a simple question? "You saw the guidebook – if we're careful, we've got a few weeks before money becomes a problem, so let's just worry about it then."

She turned away from him, intending to keep walking, but he took hold of her arm, stopping her. "Why are you being so evasive, Kate? How else did you get money?"

Up until that point, she'd kept her patience with him and his naivety, but Kate found herself getting truly angry then, so angry that she couldn't resist snapping, "Let's just say there are a lot of really stupid guys out there with a lot of cash, and even bigger libidos."

He dropped her arm, looking simultaneously horrified and incredulous, as if he didn't know her all of a sudden.

"I didn't sleep with then, Jack," she said, her tone still acerbic, "so you can stop looking at me like that.

"But if I was somewhere having dinner, or if I was in a bar, and one of them offered to pay, I didn't exactly correct that assumption. That's how I met Jason." While she knew that it wasn't an especially virtuous thing to do, she couldn't help but be defensive, her arms coming to rest over her chest. She wasn't a bad person; she'd only done what she needed to to survive on her own.

"So you conned them?" Jack's face turned a slightly whiter shade of pale, and she could tell that he was having trouble just staying with her at this point.

"I never asked for their money, Jack. I'm not a whore." She swallowed, fighting back tears. "I was just minding my own business – if they were stupid enough to think it would be that easy, then yeah, they deserved to get conned." He had no right to judge her, not when he'd probably done the same thing to other women himself. He may not have expected the same service, but that thought must have been there, somewhere at the back of his mind.

"I can't believe I'm hearing this," he said, throwing his hands up in the air. "Do you have any idea how dangerous that is, how wrong?"

"It was that, or go hungry, so you can stop judging me, Jack," she spat, incensed that he thought he had some kind of control over her actions, some right to an opinion. It was all right for him to take the moral high ground; no one had ever offered him that choice. Faced with starvation, you could only hold onto those kinds of values for so long, before your body mutinied, and you had to do something. If they kept down this road, he would know that soon enough.

"This whole thing was your idea, remember?" she said, hoping that he finally understood why she hadn't wanted to drag him into the mess she'd made of her life. "I was going to turn myself in. If you can't handle it, then maybe we should just go back to the US. You can go back to your old life, and I can…" she trailed off, not wanting to dwell on her fate once they reached America.

He softened at that, apologetic as he placed a hand on each of her shoulders. "That's not what I want, Kate," he said, his eyes full of regret and sadness, making her feel guilty about the cruel way she'd spoken to him. They hadn't fought like that since they'd been together; she didn't want to break up, she just wanted him to understand.

But this was hard for him, harder than she could ever imagine. What she'd done for three years, he'd only been doing for two days; it was going to take him a while for him to adjust.

"I'm so sorry, Jack," she said, "but if we're going to keep doing this, then you're going to have to accept that the Jack Shephard you knew – that we both knew – is dead. We can't afford to do things his way anymore, not if we're going to survive."


	12. Chapter 12

Thanks for the reviews. I liked you idea about Jack playing poker, Shavanda -- I hadn't thought of that, but I'll keep it in mind. The fact that Sawyer knows something about Jack that Kate doesn't will become an issue, Tahti, but more in the sense that there's still so much they don't know about each other, as you saw last chapter. And as for what they're going to do, ms metaphor -- that's an interesting question, one I don't think Jack's considered. You're right, they can't keep running forever, so that's something they'll eventually have to confront. There's definitely some tough decisions ahead.

Chapter 12 is a long one, to make up for the fact that I'm not sure I'll get around to updating again for a few days. I will keep writing, though, so don't worry. The Kevin issue comes up again here -- while it seems like a Kate issue, it's actually just as much of a Jack one, given the way his marriage to Sarah ended. He's obviously not a fan of the fact that there are unresolved feelings there, but at the same time, I'm not sure how he would handle the idea that Kate could walk out on someone she claimed to love that easily, especially when he's made so many sacrifices for her.

Please read and review, and I promise I will try to write some fluffy chapters soon, ones that doesn't end with them fighting. Or apologising to each other.

* * *

Chapter 12. What Matters 

The hostel Kate had chosen from the guidebook was at the opposite end of the city, so they walked on in silence, stopping only to change over the money.

She knew that Jack had a lot on his mind, but she didn't try to force him to tell her what he was thinking this time; she wasn't sure she wanted to know, even if, by some miracle, he decided to tell her. She wanted to keep on believing that all of the change, and all of the sacrifice, was worth it for him, if it meant being with her, but she wasn't confident enough to seek confirmation of this.

After a while, Jack slid an arm around her shoulders, and she knew that while he couldn't find it in himself to apologise for the way he'd reacted, he wanted to set aside their differences. But even though she smiled, and leaned into him, she couldn't help feeling that things were not okay between them, not anymore. If they were at each other's throats already, after less than forty-eight hours on the run, she didn't know how they were going to make it through the rest of their lives.

There was a chasm between them, that had appeared the moment Jack burst into the garden and told her they'd been rescued, and it had been growing steadily wider ever since. It was the proverbial elephant in the room; neither one of them wanted to address it, but she could tell by the tension in his shoulders, that Jack had noticed it too.

She didn't want to admit it, to him, or herself, but she was beginning to think that her fears were well grounded, that even though they'd found a way to stay together, their relationship wasn't strong enough to survive outside the cocoon of the island, that the life they'd shared there was their only common ground.

As credible as it was, she didn't want to give this idea any credence, so she slid her own arm around his waist, drawing herself as close to him as she could, and resting her head on his shoulder. He couldn't see the worry on her face from that angle, so, thinking she was just being rueful about their argument, he kissed the top of her head gently, laying his cheek against it as they walked.

It took them about thirty minutes to reach their destination on foot, but given the number of traffic jams they passed, Kate guessed it would have taken much longer by car or by bus. After three months on a deserted island, without any other mode of transport, long walks were something they'd grown accustomed to anyway, so she figured they were right to preserve their limited funds.

Like most of the dwellings in Bali, the hostel was surrounded by a walled courtyard, though the building itself was open plan. It was covered with a thatched roof, which doubled as insulation, and each room appeared to have a set of woven French doors that led out into the flowered garden.

"You were right," Jack said, squeezing her shoulder as she pointed it out from across the street. "It's not exactly the Hilton, but it looks clean and quiet – much better than our options."

"I'm glad you agree," she told him, returning his smile, though it turned into an impish grin as she added, "Because my next suggestion was going to be that we sleep on the boat again."

Jack shuddered, and she laughed at his expression, her words having had the desired effect. After years of practice, she could sleep almost anywhere, but Jack… while he didn't exactly get sea sick, the constant bobbing and rocking had kept him up most of the night, tossing and turning, and disturbing her in the process. (Of course the boat wasn't the only part of their situation that was keeping him awake, but Kate was trying to forget that, for the sake of moving forward.) It was probably better that they didn't repeat that experience while they were ashore, at least until they ran out of money, and were left with no choice.

They crossed the road, and entered the gap in the wall that passed for a gate, letting go of each other as they walked up to the check in desk at one end of the tiny foyer.

"Why don't you let me do the talking?" Kate whispered, giving him a look that said she wasn't going to take not for an answer. He wasn't as seasoned a liar as she was; she was afraid that if she let him speak, he would say something that could be used to identify them.

There was a short, middle-aged Balinese woman behind the desk, writing something in a ledger. She looked up when, with Jack's nod of encouragement, Kate said, "Excuse me – we're looking for a place to stay, and we were hoping you might have a vacancy." She fixed the woman with what she knew was probably an uncomfortable grin as she looked them both up and down, deciding if, in fact, she did have a room she was willing to give them.

Kate wasn't sure if it was because they were American, or because they were still wearing the weathered clothes they'd left the island in, but she didn't look too eager to take them in.

"We went hiking this morning, when we first got here," she said, to explain their bedraggled appearance. "We wanted to see some of the temples outside the city, but I guess we got lost. Took us about an hour to find our way back."

The woman looked amused, shaking her head, and Kate could tell she was thinking, "tourists". "Most of the ones worth visiting are here in the city, unless you want to travel to some of the remoter areas up north."

"Not really," Kate said, still pretending to look embarrassed. "We were actually looking forward to checking out the beaches. But thanks for the tip."

The woman flashed her a gracious smile, and Kate could tell she was winning her over. "One of our rooms was just vacated this morning. It's small, but it has a nice view of the garden."

Kate looked to Jack, and he gave her a slight nod, so the woman continued, "There's no maid service, so you'll have to pick up after yourselves. Meals are not included, and guests are required to supply their own soap, shampoo, and so on. We do, however, provide linen and towels. The bathroom is at the end of the hall, but there's only one, so you would be sharing it with the other guests."

Kate looked to Jack again, and he said, "Sounds good," nodding his approval. The fact that they'd be virtually ignored was probably a good thing; they could come and go as they pleased without attracting any unwanted attention. And as for there only being one bathroom: it had been so long since Kate had had a decent shower that she didn't care how many people she had to share it with.

"How much?" Jack added, cautiously, and she could tell that he was wary about the fact that this place was less of a dive than she'd made it sound.

"520 rp a night."

Since this was more or less what they'd banked on, they readily agreed, Kate relieved that they would at least have a roof to sleep under for the time being. She still didn't know what they were going to do with themselves now, but that security took the pressure off a little.

Jack took out the money they'd gotten from the moneychanger, and they paid for the first three nights in advance, figuring that this would give them a few days to figure out their next move.

"So you're American?" the woman asked as she took the money, counting it.

"That's right," Kate agreed, resisting the flight instinct that kicked in whenever she encountered personal questions from a stranger.

"California?"

Her guess was too accurate for Kate's liking, so she answered quickly, "New York, actually."

Satisfied that they either understood the currency, or weren't trying to rip her off, the woman stopped counting, looking up, disappointed. "That's a shame," she said, as opened cash box and locked the money inside. "We've got another American couple staying here, but they're from Los Angeles."

"Oh." Kate tried to sound equally disappointed, glad that she'd trusted her instincts. L.A. was a big place, full of millions of people, but the world wasn't always as big as she would have liked. The last thing they needed was to run into someone from Jack's old life, someone who knew about the plane crash. Or anyone they knew, for that matter. "Well, neither of us has ever been to Los Angeles, so I doubt we'd have anything in common."

"Probably not," the woman agreed, lowering her voice. "They're a little older than you, and they don't seem as happy. The walls are thin – I hear them arguing sometimes. You probably don't want to get in the middle of that."

Seizing the opportunity to get out of what was probably a well-intentioned set up, Kate agreed, saying, "We were actually looking forward to the time alone."

It was probably the wrong thing to say, because the woman gave them a knowing smile. "Ah, newlyweds. I thought you looked like you were on your honeymoon, still running everything by each other. Most of the couples we get in here, the husband makes all the arrangements, and wife just goes along with them."

Kate looked over at Jack, who opened his mouth as if intending to correct her, grinning at his embarrassment at being mistaken for a married couple. After little more than a month together, marriage was definitely not something they'd talked about, especially given the complications created by her criminal past. But he looked so uncomfortable all of a sudden, as if he thought this would prompt her to raise the subject, that she couldn't resist the urge to make him squirm a little more.

"You got us," she said, flashing him an amused grin as she leaned into him, continuing the conversation. "We just got married two days ago, back in the US. We were going to go to Australia, but when some of our friends mentioned how nice it was here, we thought, 'What the heck, why not try Bali? We can always go to Australia later', right, honey?" She nudged Jack with her shoulder, prompting him to mumble something that passed for agreeing.

"Well, congratulations," the woman said, smiling as she opened another book on top of the ledger. "I'm sure you'll be together for a long time, so that shouldn't be a problem." She flipped to the current page, adding, "Now, what name should I put that under?"

Kate searched her brain for a common name, something that would be hard to trace. "Thompson," she said finally. "I'm Alyson, and my husband's name is… Kevin." Jack gave her a sharp look, and she regretted it immediately, but it was to late to retract it, now that the woman was smiling at them again.

"Okay, well, here's the key to your room, Mrs. Thompson," the woman said, handing it to Kate. "It's room number eight, at the end of the hall. Payment is due at the end of each day, so if you're planning to stay longer, come and see me on Sunday and I'll fix that up. Enjoy your stay, and your honeymoon."

Kate thanked her, and promised that they would, shouldering her backpack as she headed down the hall, Jack following silently in her wake.

"What was that about?" he asked once they'd closed door behind them.

"What was what about?" She set her bag down, surveying the room. It was small, the floor space on either side of the double bed severely limited, but it was clean and neat, and the hostess was right, it did have a nice view of the tropical flowers outside.

"All that stuff you said at the check in counter."

"What? You wanted me to tell the truth?" she lowered her voice. "'Hi, we just got off a desert island and now we're running from the law'? It said in the guidebook that Balinese people are very friendly. They like to talk, especially to foreigners. If I said too little, it would have looked suspicious, and if I said too much, well, that's just asking for trouble. So I lied. It's not a big deal."

When he looked unconvinced, she added, "It's actually kind of fun – you can reinvent yourself, be anyone you want to be."

"Is that why you said we were married?"

"No," she told him, afraid she knew where this conversation was headed. It was what she'd been dreading ever since they left the check in counter and the woman behind. "Balinese people have this thing about marriage over thirty – they think that if you're over thirty and still single, then there must be something wrong with you." She tried to turn it into a joke, teasing him, "I'm safe for a few more years, but do you really want that woman to think there's something wrong with you?"

He looked a little indignant at this, making her laugh. "I'm divorced, does that count?" he said.

"Not really. I could have said your wife died in a tragic accident, but this is more fun, don't you think? You and me, on our honeymoon…" she trailed off, sliding first one, then the other, backpack off of his shoulders, but before she could do anything else, he pushed her hands away, making it clear that that wasn't going to work for her this time. They were having this conversation, no matter how hard she tried to distract him.

"Why did you say my name was Kevin?" The words were simple, neutral, but she knew he was really asking if she'd said it because she wished she was still married to him.

Did she? Why did she call him Kevin? "I don't know," she said, licking her lips as she sank onto the bed next to her backpack. "It was the first name that popped into my head."

"You don't think it's at all strange that it also happens to be the name of your ex-husband? If you could even call him that – you never got divorced, right?" He was getting that angry, jealous tone, the one she'd only ever heard him use with reference to Sawyer. Only it was more intense this time, because there was nothing she could say to convince him that the time she'd spent with her husband was meaningless. She'd married him, after all.

"Him and several million other people," she said, in response to his question. She wished he wouldn't make such a big deal out of what was obviously a slip of the tongue, although she couldn't help wondering how she would have reacted if he'd called her Sarah. Probably in much the same way, she decided. "Maybe I was thinking of him, I don't know. I was just reacting – I didn't have time to psychoanalyse my answers.

"And we never got divorced, because we were never legally married. I used a false name, so it didn't count."

She dropped her head into her hands, wishing there was somewhere to escape to. She couldn't talk to Jack about this, not when she wasn't really sure how she felt herself. It was true, she still felt something for Kevin; she'd never really had the chance to get over him. One day they were happy, the next she was leaving him unconscious on the floor, even though a part of her, a large part, had been prepared to spend the rest of her life with him.

This whole situation with Jack was too close to those memories for comfort, which was probably why Kevin had been on her mind so much these past few days. "Can we not do this?" she asked, raising her head to look at Jack, who was staring out into the courtyard moodily. "I feel like all we've done since we got here is fight, and I don't want to fight anymore."

She stood up, going over to the doors, to him. "It doesn't matter what I was thinking," she said, cupping his stubbled chin in her hand, and forcing him to look at her, to see how earnest she was, as she added, "Because I'm here with you now, one hundred per cent. I love you, Jack. That's what matters."


	13. Chapter 13

I'm glad you guys liked chapter 12 -- I thought it would be fun for Jack to see how well Kate can lie, on top of the shocking information he received in chapter 11. And for them to be mistaken for a married couple.

Their relationship has taken a battering of late, so I thought it was time they called a truce, but I can't promise it will last beyond chapter 13. You're right though, ms metaphor -- Kate is handling the conflict well, although I think a lot of that is guilt. She knows she created the situation, so she doesn't really have the right to complain.

It's interesting, what you wrote about the beach, Shavanda, because I do have something similar to that planned for later in the story. It's sort of the turning point, when Jack discovers something he didn't know about himself, and Kate realises what she has to do. Is that cryptic enough?

Anyway, I hope there's enough light-hearted stuff in this chapter. I don't think they'll be in Bali for much longer.

* * *

Chapter 13. What Are We Going To Do?

With those words, Jack forgave her, and they spent the next hour making up, letting go of all of the anger and frustration they'd harboured towards each other, and their situation, since the rescue.

Lying quietly beside him afterwards, with her head tucked under his chin, Kate couldn't help thinking that, at that moment, things between them were almost as they had been on the island.

She was so content just being with him like that again, that she was sorry when he kissed the back of her shoulder and climbed out of bed, pulling his jeans on as he said, "I'm going to take a shower – unless you want to go first."

She didn't, but she didn't want him to go either, so she rolled over to face him, giving him a petulant look. "I want you to come back," she told him, patting the mattress beside her, hoping to recreate the peace she'd felt only moments before.

He laughed softly, leaning down to kiss her one more time as he buttoned up his shirt. "As great as that sounds, I'm still starving, and I don't really feel like eating that Dharma stuff again, so, if you get up, maybe I could take you to dinner."

"You want to take me out? Like a date?" she asked, sitting up, and drawing the bedclothes up to her throat. It was an interesting proposal, one that almost won her over. Almost.

"That's what we're doing here, isn't it? Dating?" he agreed, finishing with his shirt, and starting on his shoes. It seemed like a lot of effort to go to just to walk to the bathroom, where he would only have to take it all off again.

If he stayed here, though… Kate smiled, realising that while, in a sense, he was right, that word sounded foreign when applied to them. They'd never really dated in the casual sense, going straight from being friends, into what could only be described as a serious relationship. "I don't know about you," she said, still holding the sheets against her as she moved around to where he was sitting on the edge of the bed, "But I don't usually sleep with men I'm only dating."

She murmured the last part against his ear, sliding her hands across his chest, but he took them away gently, determined to resist her attempts to seduce him back into bed. "You've got to admit though – you like it when we actually spend money on you first."

"After works too," she told him, undoing the buttons he'd just buttoned, and sliding off his shirt.

"You're really making it hard for me to leave, you know that?" he said, only putting up a feeble struggle this time.

"Uh huh," she agreed, trailing kisses along his now bare shoulder, from the tattoo on his arm, all the way up to his throat. She knew it wasn't fair, that she was torturing him, but she also knew that, in spite of his protests, he was enjoying every minute of it. He may have been a gentleman, but he was still a man.

"Okay, okay," he said finally, throwing his hands up in mock exasperation as she started on his neck. "I'll come back to bed, but only for a little while, okay? Then we have to get up."

"Okay," she agreed, moving her lips up to his as she pulled him back down with her, happy to be getting her own way, even if it was only for a little while.

* * *

It was another hour before he managed to extricate himself from her again, by which time, Kate's stomach was complaining loud enough for her to listen this time. She hadn't eaten since that morning on the boat, and that was only a couple of mangoes she'd stashed in her backpack, so she was looking forward to Jack's promise of real food.

Reluctantly, she accepted his offer to take the first shower, tugging on her tank top and jeans. Still not wanting to put an end to what had been a great afternoon, she considered asking him to come with her, but remembering that it was a shared bathroom, she decided against it, imagining the comments the hostess would make if she, or one of the other guests, caught them in there together. As it was, they'd probably have to endure her knowing looks when they passed the check-in counter, especially if the walls were as thin as she said.

It was early evening by the time they left the hostel, colouring slightly at the smile the hostess gave them. There weren't many places to eat nearby, so they walked back across town, towards the harbour, where the nightlife was starting to come into full swing.

In between the shops and temples, there were restaurants, cafes, bars, and nightclubs, all filling up for the evening. There were even a few street vendors peddling what Kate was pretty sure were drugs – cocaine and marijuana, mostly, by the looks of the packages they were handing out – but she and Jack moved past these quickly, determined to avoid contact with people that were probably undercover cops.

After walking around for a while, they settled on a low-key tourist café that catered to local and international tastes. The meals there were relatively inexpensive, cheaper than anything they'd find back home, and, since it didn't even come close to being one of the trendier nightspots, it was also quiet, so they were able to sit and talk in peace.

They ordered a combination of local dishes – pork, vegetables, and chicken, mixed with coconut oil and spices – and standard Western fare, watching the hubbub outside as they ate.

There were traditional Balinese dances going on in temples, and out on the street, the music mixing with the American pop that blared from the windows of more Westernised clubs and bars. Outside, tourists rushed from place to place, some already drunk, some getting there, some just excited, so that their voices carried into the café.

Once they'd eaten enough to satisfy their hunger, they paid the bill, and went for a walk through the busy streets, ending up on the beach, where someone had lit a bonfire. Watching a group of teenagers drinking and laughing around it, Kate had to smile; this felt more like home than any other place they'd been that day.

Jack seemed to notice this too, because he wrapped his arms around her tightly, pulling her close to his chest. She put her own arms around him, and he just held her for a moment, while she settled against him, taking in the familiar scent of his cologne, his sweat.

"You know," he mused, looking wistful all of a sudden, "When we first landed on the island, all I wanted was to go home." He tucked a loose curl behind her ear, smiling sadly as he added, "But now, three months later, all I want is to go back."

"I know what you mean," she agreed with a sigh, tightening her own arms around him, and resting her head against his chest.

Watching the waves crash on the sand, like they had so many nights since they'd been together, Kate let her mind wander back to the island, and the life she and Jack had had there. The sight should have been comforting, familiar, but instead, it only seemed to add to her misery, reminding her off all that they'd lost, and would never get back. She missed that beach, her friends, the sense of freedom she'd felt there, but most of all, she missed those nights with Jack, back when the only thing they'd had to fear was being found out by the others.

"What are we going to do, Kate?" he asked seriously, voicing the question that had been at the front of her mind since they'd made the decision to run.

"I don't know," she said, her cheek still against his chest, the steady throb of his heart mixing in with the sound of the waves.

It seemed so cruel for fate to bring them together in such a tragic and unexpected way, only to take it back three months later, when they'd finally begun to realise the depth of their feelings for one another. They'd fought to stay together, and they were prepared to keep fighting, but she wondered if it would ever be enough. They still had each other, and if they worked at it, they probably always would, but they'd never have a real life, never do any of the things other couples took for granted: get married, buy a house, have babies, be normal.

No matter how many lies they told, or stories they made up, in reality, those things would always be off limits to them. Kate had accepted that a long time ago, but she couldn't bear the thought that she was denying Jack that future too. He deserved all of that, and more; as much as she loved him, there was nothing she could give him to make up for what she was taking away.

Sensing the melancholy mood that had crept up on her, he kissed the top of her head, resting his cheek against it as he said, "It's okay – we don't have to decide tonight. We'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

Drained of all of the energy and enthusiasm she'd felt earlier in the evening, Kate nodded, allowing him to lead her back to the boardwalk. She just wanted to go to bed, and sleep this time, but Jack was so determined to cheer her up, after being the one to dredge up the uncertainty of their future, that she had to at least give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd tried.

There was no way he could fix everything in one night, but she followed him to one of the beachfront bars where you could stand on the deck and watch the ocean, or the night sky, as you sipped your drink. She'd never been that into wine, or vodka, or any of the things most women seemed to drink, growing up in Iowa with farm boys like Tom, so she let him buy them both a local beer called Bintang, perching on a stool in the corner of the deck.

She hadn't expected to enjoy herself, waiting for him to give up and take her back to the hostel, but after a while she found that she was joining in his chatter, laughing as they shared stories about bad dates, parties, and even worse drinking experiences, until her earlier depression was all but forgotten.

It was getting close to midnight by then, but they weren't ready to go back to their room, so while Jack went to get some more drinks, she got up, walking over to the railing to take in the warm, salty South Pacific breeze. She still had no idea what they were going to do after tonight, especially now that everyone thought they were dead, but that no longer seemed as important, at least not at that moment.

She heard a male voice behind her, muffled by the music. Thinking it was Jack, she turned, smiling, her hand outstretched to take her drink.

Her smile faded, and her hand dropped, when she saw that it wasn't, especially since the man in front of her wasn't a stranger either. The attractive, chiselled face she found herself staring into was just as familiar, just as powerful in its effect on her; a face she'd once loved, in the same way that she now loved Jack's. She'd never expected to see it again, especially not this far from home.

"Monica?" he said, looking as confused and shaken as she felt. "But that's not your name, is it? It's Kate – Kate Austen."

Kevin.

The man she'd left to go back on the run.

And he'd finally learned the truth.

Jack was going to love this.

* * *

There you go, gia. You got your wish. I wonder what's going to happen now? 


	14. Chapter 14

I'm glad you guys enjoyed the twist (and the lighter stuff), but to be fair, the idea of Kevin turning up in Bali wasn't mine -- I just decided when I was going to play that card. It will certainly throw a wrench into Jack and Kate's relationship, though, especially since Kate's marriage has become such a sensitive issue between them of late. I'm stabbing in the dark here with Kevin, but at the same time, I've tried not to make his reaction to seeing Kate too obvious or predictable. I didn't want to paint him as the two-dimensional scorned ex -- I wanted to show how much he loved her, and in some ways, still does.

* * *

Chapter 14. How Did You Find Me?

"I'm sorry, I – I don't know what you're talking about," Kate stammered, recovering slightly from the shock of seeing Kevin so far from the US. "You must have me confused with somebody else." She tried to push past him, but he stopped her, trapping her between his lanky body and the railing.

"You may have grown your hair out since the last time I saw you," he said, scrutinizing her as if to make absolutely sure she was the same person, "But I think I'd know the woman I married."

He wasn't touching her, but he was still too close for comfort, stirring up memories of the last time he'd pinned her like that. She hadn't wanted to get away from him then, but right now, all she could think about was finding Jack and getting out of there.

Desperation rose inside her as she looked left, then right, searching for an avenue of escape. But the only way past him was over that railing, and for some reason, she couldn't seem to will her body to take it. "You never married me, Kevin," she said softly, when he continued to stare her down, unwilling to let her get away from him this time. "It wasn't real."

He shook his head angrily, the pain that she'd caused him written all over his face. "Maybe the piece of paper wasn't, but I meant every word I said to you. I loved you, Monica – _Kate_," he corrected himself, closing his eyes for a second, and even though it was a relief to finally hear him say it, she knew it hurt him to use her real name, to remember how badly she'd lied to him. "I was going to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I know, and I wanted that too," she told him, trying to focus on him, but finding her eyes darting over his shoulder, scanning the crowd for Jack, "But you have to believe that I left for your own good. It never would have worked out – you're a cop, and I'm… a fugitive. I couldn't ask you to keep that secret for me."

"I did, you know," he said, causing her to forget Jack momentarily as her eyes met his in surprise. "Even after I discovered that you were telling the truth, I never told anyone – not my colleagues, not my friends, not even my family. They all think you left me because I couldn't make you happy."

He looked broken all of a sudden, the anger going out of him as he stepped back, giving her the opportunity to escape if she so chose. "I didn't want them to think less of you, not when they all loved you so much."

She could have slunk off into the crowd then, and he wouldn't have stopped her, but she couldn't leave him again without some sort of resolution. "Oh, Kevin," she said softly, sadly, closing the distance between them, and putting a hand on his arm, "You should have blamed me – if you couldn't tell them the truth, then you should have told them that I left you for someone else."

He snatched his arm away, his anger returning as he said, "Maybe I don't enjoy hurting people like you do."

Kate felt the tears beginning to sting her eyes at those words. Hurting him was the last thing she'd ever wanted to do; that was why she'd resisted him when he'd pursued her, but she didn't know how to get that across to him without it sounding like another lie.

"Oh, so you feel pain then?" he added bitterly, though she could see that it hurt him to lash out at her like that. "I was beginning to wonder.

"I thought you were a lot of things, but heartless wasn't one of them, not until you picked up and left without a word of explanation.

"I waited for you to come back, but when you didn't… I was out of my mind. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, replaying those last few days over and over in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong.

"And you know what I came up with?"

Kate shook her head, speechless, as she tried to contain the tears of remorse spilling onto her cheeks, hearing how much she'd hurt him.

"Nothing. Not a damned thing. I would have done anything for you. I would have protected you – I would have put my career on the line for you. But now…" he shook his head. "I don't even know that I care if I ever see you again."

She found that she was crying then, her shoulders wracked with quiet, half suppressed sobs. "If you didn't want to see me, then how did you find me?" she choked out, finding it hard to reconcile this last comment with his determination to speak to her.

He looked surprised at this question, softening a little as he explained, "I didn't. I needed to get away for a while – I wasn't coping. A friend of mine had non-refundable tickets to Bali – when his girlfriend broke up with him, he suggested I tag along. Figured we could bask in our misery together."

He looked her in the eye with a sardonic smile as he finished, "I wasn't looking for you, Kate – I was trying to get as far away from you as I could."

So that was it then. Even if she wanted to go back to him, even if she wasn't in love with Jack, Kevin didn't want her anymore. She would have been lying if she said it didn't sting, but it did make things easier, knowing that that door was now closed to her forever.

She took a deep breath, wiping her eyes with her palms as she struggled to bring her tears under control. Jack would be back with their drinks any minute, and she didn't want him to see her like this. It would only complicate matters further.

"I'm so sorry, Kevin," she said. "If there was any way I could…" she trailed off as, sure enough, Jack reappeared behind the man she'd once considered her husband, his confused expression darkening as he registered the state she was in. She wasn't sure how much he'd heard over the music, because he didn't seem to realise who it was that she was talking to.

"Kate?" he said, putting the glasses down, and moving to stand protectively beside her. "What's going on? Who is this?"

* * *

I know, I'm cruel, but I wanted to focus on Kate and Kevin in this chapter. More on Jack's reaction in chapter 15. 


	15. Chapter 15

I know I'm cruel. You're probably going to think I'm even crueller after this chapter, but I like the idea of Jack being mystified by Kate's behaviour. He knows something is very wrong, and that it has something to do with this guy he saw her talking to, but he doesn't know exactly what.

I do think that if Kevin really loved her, he would keep her secret, even if that meant letting his family think he'd screwed the marriage up. He doesn't seem like the vengeful type -- I think he really was one of the good guys, which is why Kate loved him. And why she's so tortured about how badly she hurt him, and about doing the same thing to Jack.

By the way, we've still got a week before we even get A Tale of Two Cities, so you guys have to tell me if there's hope for Jate after Wednesday's episode. I read a spoiler that said Kate displays strong feelings for Jack in front of Sawyer, so I hope she gets kind of hysterical about leaving him. Sawyer will back off again then, just like in this fic!

* * *

Chapter 15. It Doesn't Matter What He Said

Kate looked from Jack, to Kevin, and back again, unsure of how to answer this when just the mention of her ex had sent him into a funk at the hostel. She'd told him that that part of her life was over, without the chance of reprise, but how was she ever going to convince him to believe her when the man himself was standing right in front of them?

Fortunately, she didn't have to say anything, because Kevin answered for her. "Me? I'm nobody," he said, casting Kate a bitter glance.

At least, that was how she'd made him feel, she knew. She couldn't imagine what must be going on inside his head, travelling to the other side of the world to get away from her, just to find her with another man. She wished there was something she could do to ease the pain a little, to explain why things with Jack were different, but he didn't look like he was interested in hearing anything else she had to say.

It was obviously too much for him to deal with, because, when she didn't say anything to contradict him, he shook his head, disgusted, as if to say, "He's welcome to you." Then, with one last wounded look at both of them, he turned on his heel and disappeared back into the crowd, and Kate's life, she was pretty sure, forever.

She stared after him for a long moment, still trying to comprehend what had just happened. Already, the encounter was beginning to feel surreal, like a dream, but by the tension in Jack's shoulders as he stood beside her, she knew that it wasn't. He'd seen Kevin too, and even though he didn't recognise him, he knew he wasn't nobody.

He took her hand, leading her back down the steps, onto the beach, where the noise and the music faded to a more conversation-friendly level. "Who was that, Kate?" he asked again, once they were more or less alone.

"Nobody," she whispered, echoing Kevin, as she stared up at the deck, but it was a feeble answer, and she knew he wouldn't accept it.

"If he was nobody, then why were you crying?"

She shook her head, turning away towards the ocean, the tears starting up again. She couldn't take the argument she knew was coming, not after receiving such a verbal beating from Kevin. Not when she could have gone after him, and she'd chosen Jack instead. She couldn't lose them both in one night; not even Kate Austen, the patricidal criminal, deserved that.

Or did she? She'd never done the right thing, by either of them. Maybe she did deserve to be alone.

Jack softened when he saw her tears, like he always did when he knew he'd made her cry. "Who was he, Kate?" he asked more gently this time. "Did he say something to you?" He took hold of her shoulders, looking at her closely as he added, "Did he hurt you?" His eyes were filled with such tender concern that it only made her sob harder, because she didn't want to lie to him again, and she couldn't tell him the truth.

Seemingly at a loss, he took her into his arms, holding her tightly while she cried out all of the hurt, and the loss, and the guilt, and above all, the shame, at her treatment of Kevin, and the way she was still acting now, still lying, if only by omission, hurting the people she loved with those lies.

It should have made her feel better, but it didn't, not when he was being so good to her. She wanted to tell him, but even when she could speak again, she couldn't bring herself to tell him that that was her ex-husband he'd seen on the deck, so she said, still a little tearfully, "I think we should go."

His forehead was still etched with worry, and confusion, his mind still trying to discern the identity of the man who'd upset her so much, but he gave her a tight smile as he answered, "I was just thinking that myself." He watched her for a second longer, waiting for her to say something more, but when she didn't, he tucked a few loose curls behind her ear, adding, "Come on, I'll take you back to the hostel."

She freed herself so that she could look at him, to show him how serious she was. "No," she said softly, knowing that she was being irrational, but needing to get as far from that place, and Kevin, as possible, "I think we should get out of Bali."

Jack continued to study her face, searching for answers as he said, "We only just got here. If you still want to go on Sunday—"

"No, now," she said urgently, wishing that there was some way to make him understand without explaining. "I'll talk to the hostess, get us a refund, but I don't want to stay here."

Jack's concerned expression hardened, turning to frustration, and she felt guilty about avoiding his questions, but she just couldn't…

"Why, Kate? You were fine when I you left ten minutes ago – why won't you tell me what that man said to you? Is he a detective? A cop? Is that why you think we need to leave?"

She shook her head again, and he relaxed a little, but she could tell that he was still alarmed by her the change in her behaviour. "It doesn't matter what he said," she told him, realising that as hurtful as their conversation was, it wasn't Kevin's words that had affected her so badly.

It was the change in his eyes, his voice: she'd broken him, not just his heart, but his trust. Because of her he was ruined, a bitter husk, incapable of loving anyone as completely as he'd once loved her. He loathed her now, but he would never move on, because the faith he'd had when he'd fallen for her wasn't there anymore. She'd taken it with her when she'd walked out on him.

Lifting her head to meet Jack's gaze, still so full of love, in spite of the pain she was causing him by refusing to explain, she wondered how long it would be before she saw that look in his eyes. A year or two from now, she could be running into him in a bar somewhere, hearing how she'd taken the last shred of faith he had left after Sarah. There might even be a new guy by then, a future Jack or Kevin, more collateral damage in her quest to find something she was never meant to have.

She needed a way out of this cycle, but the only way to do that was to run, and she couldn't, not now that she'd seen what she'd done to Kevin by leaving him. He still had his job, his family, and friends, and yet she'd managed to destroy him. Jack had nothing; nothing except her.


	16. Chapter 16

No fluff in this chapter, I'm afraid. Continuing on with the Kevin parallel, their situation is going to get a little worse, or at least, develop the potential to get worse.

Jack will find out about Kevin soon, so don't worry -- Kate's fears about her marriage are going to tie in with a new, in some ways, related issue that will force her to wake up to herself and be honest with Jack about her past, and their future. You have to trust me though -- there's a reason for the what I'm about to do.

* * *

Chapter 16. You Should Never Be Afraid To Tell Your Husband The Truth

They'd reached a stalemate in the argument, with Kate desperate to leave, and Jack determined to stay until the commitment they'd made to the hostel expired, so unable to explain the sense of urgency she felt, Kate was forced to compromise. She would get a refund for the remaining two nights, and they would set sail for Australia in the morning, when it was safer to do so.

Once they'd settled this, she followed Jack miserably to the hostel, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Kevin wasn't headed in the same direction. She doubted he'd follow her after what he'd said about wanting to get as far away from her as possible, but she didn't want to run into him by chance again either, especially not now that Jack was being so attentive. She was terrified that if they stayed in Bali, Jack would meet him somehow, and hear all of the things that Kevin had told her. He'd realise what she hadn't been able to get across to him herself then, that he was making a terrible mistake throwing his life away for someone like her.

While the radical shift in her mood had worried Jack earlier, her reluctance to tell him what was wrong quickly wore down his patience. He stopped asking after the first block or so; by the time they reached their room, he would only acknowledge her in short, non-committal sentences, stripping down to his boxers and climbing into bed without so much as a good night.

He turned away from her when she changed and crawled in beside him, her heart aching as her own good night failed to elicit a response. While she wasn't in the mood to do anything but sleep, she hated the fact that he'd drawn an invisible line down the mattress, so she drew herself up close behind him, waiting for him to cave and pull her into his arms like he would on an ordinary night.

But he didn't. His body remained rigid under her touch, his eyes closed, back to her, ignoring her until she decided to let him in on what was happening.

Giving up on any kind of intimacy between them, Kate returned to her own side of the bed, curling away from him in a tight, foetal ball. She just wanted this night to be over, but the harder she tried to sink into the oblivion of sleep, the more it eluded her.

A couple of times, she opened her mouth to tell Jack about Kevin, but the words wouldn't come as she pictured his reaction. He'd be angry, hurt, jealous, the whole trifecta, interpreting her tears as a sign that she still loved him, like he feared. He would never give her the chance to tell him that, on the beach, she was crying for him too, and everything she was afraid she was going to do to him.

She drifted into a troubled sleep just after 2am, waking again at four to a wrenching pain in her stomach. Sitting up, she was hit by a wave of nausea; she had to take a series of deep breaths to keep herself from being sick.

Glancing over at Jack, she wondered if she should wake him. He'd probably have an explanation, but if it turned out to be something she could deal with herself, she didn't want him to think that she was trying to guilt him out of being mad at her.

When the tumult in her stomach appeared to have passed without incident, she lay back down beside him, running through the list of possible causes in her head. It couldn't have been alcohol-related, because she hadn't drunk that much. It wasn't food poisoning either, since Jack had eaten everything she had, and he seemed fine. There was a slight chance that one or more of the exotic ingredients had disagreed with her and not Jack, but they'd been on the same diet for months, and at his insistence, they'd avoided most of the hardcore local spices. The only other explanation she could come up with was stress, but she'd been in much tighter spots that this one, and her body had never reacted this way.

If it wasn't one of these things, it could be something more serious, she knew, but since she hadn't even thrown up yet, she refused to allow herself to entertain the possibility.

Stumped, and too stubborn to ask the doctor who was sleeping right beside her, she decided to ride it out, and hope that whatever it was, it was gone when she woke up. She didn't want to have to stick around while she recovered, so she decided that if it wasn't, she'd hold off on telling Jack until they were back on the boat, and too far from Bali to turn back. She doubted there was anything he could do except fuss over her anyway, and as much as she longed to be back in his good graces, she hated being his patient.

Closing her eyes, Kate tried to return to sleep, but her stomach lurched again, more urgently this time. She just made it to the bathroom before she was sick, retching into the toilet until it was as empty as it had been for most of the day.

She felt shaky and weak once she was done, so she sat on the floor, drawing her knees up to her chest, and resting her back against the side of the bathtub. Her stomach was beginning to settle, but her head was spinning in its place, so she laid it on her knees, concentrating on her breathing, until she began to feel more like herself.

She was just preparing herself to go back to her room when there was a soft knock at the door. Thinking it was Jack, looking for her after he woke up to find her side of the bed empty, she opened it, but it wasn't, it was the Balinese hostess, dressed in her nightgown, and looking like she'd just woken up herself.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Kate said, assuming that she'd been waiting to use the bathroom, but the Balinese woman shook her head to tell her that there was no need.

"Are you all right?" she asked with a concerned expression, gesturing for Kate to step inside and close the door.

Reluctantly, Kate did so. While she had no problem with the hostess, even liked her, she was still wary around strangers. "Yeah, I'm fine," she said quickly, not wanting to get into a conversation. "I was just heading back to bed."

But the woman remained unconvinced. "You've been in here almost an hour."

Kate frowned, confused. It hadn't been that long, had it? She only felt like she'd been there five minutes, ten, at the most.

"Maybe I should get a doctor."

Kate shook her head vehemently, then immediately regretted it, feeling dizzy again. "No, no – that really isn't necessary. The man I'm with, my – husband – is a doctor," she added quickly, marking the first honest, or almost honest, words she'd said to this woman all day.

The hostess looked at her thoughtfully. If it seemed strange to her that they'd sought out such cheap accommodation on a doctor's salary, she didn't show it. "You're travelling with a doctor, and yet you haven't told him that you're sick?" she repeated, raising an eyebrow at Kate.

Kate nodded, embarrassed at how irrational that sounded, but the woman touched her arm lightly, giving her a gentle smile. "I was married too, you know," she said, "Before my husband passed away. We were together thirty years, but I still remember what it was like to keep secrets. It's not always easy to talk to the ones we love, especially when we don't think they'll be receptive to what we have to tell them."

Kate looked up at her, surprised at how accurately the hostess's words described her predicament. She wanted to be honest with Jack, but she didn't think he would hear her out once he thought he knew what she was going to say. Yet somehow, she didn't think that Kevin was the secret the hostess was talking about.

"I may be overstepping my bounds here, but since you look like you need someone to talk to, I have to ask – am I right to say that you Americans don't put much emphasis on chastity before marriage?"

Kate gave the hostess a strange look, wondering how this question was relevant to her locking herself in the bathroom at 5am. Apparently this woman was even more non-linear than Locke. "I guess not," she said, figuring that the best thing to do would be to humour her, and hope she reached a point. "Some people do, but that's usually for religious reasons."

"And from the scepticism in your tone, I take it you and your husband are not religious?"

"No."

"So then you have cause to be concerned."

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you're asking here," Kate said, beginning to lose her patience with the woman's non sequitur, and uncomfortably personal, comments and questions. What could her sex life and / or religious possibly have to do with a hostel owner in Bali?

She was tempted to walk out, when the hostess spoke again. "When I was carrying my oldest son, I was sick for three whole weeks before I told my husband. I would get up every morning before he woke up, then go back to bed as if nothing had happened. We had only been married for a few months, and I was afraid that he wouldn't want the baby."

Listening to her story, realisation dawned on Kate, and she finally understood the woman's earlier comments. "Wait – you think I'm pregnant?" she asked, giving the hostess an incredulous look, but as impossible as it seemed, she couldn't seem to dismiss this idea outright. Hadn't the same thought been lurking somewhere at the back of her mind since she the first wave of nausea had come over her? "I'm not—" she began, more for herself, than for the hostess, but the Balinese woman cut her off.

"Maybe not," she said, "But deep down, you must believe that this is more than the flu, or else why didn't you wake your husband, who could help you?"

Kate opened her mouth to argue, to insist that she hadn't wanted to worry him, but she couldn't, because the hostess's words made too much sense. Why hadn't she called out to Jack when she started throwing up? She'd tried to blame it on their earlier fight, but now she wasn't sure. He always put his job ahead of his personal feelings; even if they'd broken up after their argument tonight, he would still have wanted to examine her, no matter how slight her symptoms seemed.

Could it be that subconsciously, she hadn't wanted to tell him she was sick, for fear that he would make this diagnosis? She'd been so afraid of ruining his life; maybe a part of her wanted to make sure that if she was pregnant, that choice stayed out of his hands.

She'd felt this way before, physically, and emotionally, not long after she'd married Kevin. She was lucky then, she hadn't been pregnant, but what if she was now? She and Jack had never used protection, not once in all the weeks they'd been together. She hadn't used anything with Sawyer either, what if…?

Kate sank to the edge of the bath, that shaky feeling returning. The idea of being pregnant was frightening enough when she and Jack had little money, no job prospects, and no place to go, but to add Sawyer into the mix… She knew Jack wouldn't leave her if the baby was his, but under the circumstances, would he really want to help her raise another man's child, especially when he loathed the very idea of Sawyer touching her?

Seeing how distressed she looked all of a sudden, though she couldn't possibly know what Kate was thinking, the hostess sat down beside her, smiling at her kindly. "After three weeks, I couldn't take the suspense any longer – nothing could be worse – so I went to my husband, and I told him," she continued, apparently wanting Kate to hear the end of the story. "And you know what he did?"

Kate shook her head, still too dazed to speak. "He laughed, and he said, 'Why didn't you tell me sooner, you silly woman? I've been waiting forever to be a dad.' From the day my son was born, until the day my husband died, the two of them were inseparable. They even ran a restaurant together.

"I'm not saying it will work out the same way for you, but you should never be afraid to tell your husband the truth, about this, or anything else. He loves you – I could see it the moment the two of you walked in."

She patted Kate's arm, and got up to leave. Kate thanked her just before she closed the door, mulling over what she'd said long after she was gone. The hostess was right: if she really was pregnant, she needed to tell Jack, but more than that, she needed to find a way to let him in on some of her fears. She'd made the mistake of keeping secrets from Kevin, and look what it had done to him, to both of them. If history was repeating itself, then she needed the use this opportunity to do the right thing, to be honest with Jack, even if it meant exposing him to some hard truths.

* * *

I know, I know -- not another Jaby, but as I mentioned, there are a lot of reasons Kate could be sick. Maybe she's pregnant, maybe she's not, but that doesn't change the fact that they're going to have to come up with some sort of long term plan soon -- they can't keep drifting around aimlessly the way they have been. Which means they have to stop being selfish, and start communicating, honestly, and realistically. The possibility of there being a child involved just gives them a much needed push. 


	17. Chapter 17

I'm glad you guys are okay with the idea of a Jaby -- sounds like some of you actually want one! I won't give away what I've got planned, but I will tell you that I hate the idea of a Skaby too, especially now that Sawyer's out of the picture... poor Kate doesn't need a reminder of how much she hurt Jack. Jack will finally find out about Kevin (and the possible baby) in this chapter, and hopefully his reaction will be surprising.

I'm insanely jealous of you guys, so don't forget that I want to know if you think the Skate thing will last, and if Kate really does have feelings for Jack -- nothing too spoilery, although I've kind of given up on that. That will help tide me over until next week, when we finally get 3.01! (I need broadband!)

* * *

Chapter 17. We'll Find A Way To Make This Work 

Even though the sun hadn't risen by the time she left the bathroom, Kate had too much weighing on her mind to go back to sleep. Jack had turned over onto his other side during her absence, so she crawled back into bed beside him, watching his still face, wondering how to tell him about Kevin, her unexplained nausea and possible pregnancy, and her fears for the future. It was a lot to dump on him at once, especially when he was already struggling to cope with their new life, but she was pushing him away with her silence, and she couldn't afford to do that, not now that they might not be the most important people in this equation.

When the first rays of dawn trickled through the French doors, she got up, showered, and tracked down the hostess, who was already going about her business for the day, sweeping the foyer. After her kindness the previous night, Kate couldn't find it in herself to lie again, so she allowed the hostess to believe that their abrupt departure had something to do with her being sick. The Balinese woman didn't press her to stay, giving Kate a kind smile, and wishing them well, as she returned the money for the unspent nights.

Jack was still asleep when she returned to their room, so rather than wake him, she tucked the money into the pocket of her jeans, and left the hostel in search of a drugstore. Even though the nausea had passed, she bought a test to be sure, but she couldn't bring herself to take it, torn as she was between her selfish desire to be a mother, and the more desperate part of herself that knew she couldn't handle this right now, no matter how broody watching Claire and Sun had made her feel.

Jack was awake when she got back, sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed. He let out the breath he was holding when he saw her, relief washing over him. "I thought you'd taken off after the last night."

Kate felt a stab of guilt, thinking of Kevin, but she covered it with a wary smile. "If I wasn't coming back, don't you think I would have taken my backpack?" she said, trying to keep her tone light as she crossed to her bag, shoving the package she was holding inside, before he could ask her about it. "I just went for a walk."

"Do you think you could leave me a note next time?" Jack asked, and she could see that he was trying not to let his anger at being frightened like that show, but there was an unmistakable hint of accusation in his voice.

Still, he was talking to her again, which was definitely an improvement on last night.

"I got our money back," she said, offering it to him. Part of her was tempted to hold onto it, just in case, but it was technically his, and he seemed to feel better knowing that she depended on him, at least financially. It hurt, but she knew why: it was because it was harder for her to run from him that way.

Jack took the money, and returned it to his wallet. "Do I want to know how?"

"Probably not." She was happy to leave it at that, but he looked at her expectantly, so she added, "Oh, you know, I just told her that we had a family emergency back home, and we had to go back to the US."

He nodded, collecting up the rest of his belongings, and Kate mentally chastised herself for breaking her vow. She really did want to tell him everything, but this was not the time or place. Once they were on the boat, and he couldn't run away from her, she would tell him about Kevin, and take it from there.

The hostess wished them well as they left the hostel, giving Kate a reassuring smile, and once again, they found themselves walking through the streets of Bali. They didn't talk much until they got to the harbour, and then it was mostly just shoptalk about the boat, until they were out on the water again.

The sails were set, and they were safely on their course by then, so Jack asked her to come down with him to the cabin, out of the sun. Kate began to feel apprehensive as she perched on the edge of the bed beside him, realising that they were about to have the conversation she'd been dreading all night.

She opened her mouth to speak, but he got there first, saying, "You know, ever since last night, I've been wracking my brains, trying to figure out who that guy at the bar was, and why you wouldn't just tell me. I know he wasn't a cop, because he let you walk away. He wasn't a stranger either, not the way he looked at you."

Kate swallowed, knowing that he was building to something. "And how did he look at me?"

"Like you'd done something to him," he said, and Kate could feel the tears beginning to sting her eyes again. He knew; he had to know. "The marshal hated you," he continued in the same clinical tone, explaining his reasoning, like he would when making a diagnosis, "But not like this. Whatever you did to this guy to make him hate you was personal."

Kate looked away from him then, but he put a hand on the side of her jaw, gently turning her face back to his. "Maybe you played him. Maybe you got him to help you rob a bank, then let him take the fall. Or maybe," he held her gaze, searching for a response, "you married him."

So he did know; he'd figured it out. "I'm sorry, Jack," she said, letting the tears slide down her cheeks. "I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid that if you saw him…" she had to take a few deep, shuddering breaths before she could continue, "I was afraid that if you saw what I did to him…"

"Hey," he said, taking her face in his hands, and wiping the tears away with his thumbs, "It's okay. You can't change the past, but you can change the future. I don't want you to keep secrets from me, no matter how bad you think they are. I don't want you walking out in the middle of the night because you feel like you can't tell me the truth."

She nodded, amazed at how well he was taking all of this. "You're not mad?" she asked, figuring that if he wanted her to be honest with him, he would have to be honest too. "I thought you'd be jealous after that thing at the hostel."

He laughed, as if she didn't even have to ask. "Of course I'm jealous – he's a good looking guy, and he was obviously crazy about you, but if you tell me you're over him, then I have to trust you, right? You wanted to leave Bali to get away from him, so I don't think there's much chance of a reunion there." His expression darkened as a thought seemed to occur to him, one that he didn't like. "That's not where you went this morning, was it? To see him?"

Kate shook her head, realising that now that they'd cleared the air between them, it was time for her to drop her other bombshell. "About that," she said nervously, prompting him to look at her, concerned.

"Is everything okay, Kate?" he asked, his hands coming to rest on her shoulders.

She shook her head. "I don't know." She took a deep breath, then pressed on. "Last night, after we got back, I started feeling sick. At first I thought it was nothing, just stress, but then I threw up."

"And you don't think it's nothing anymore?" he finished for her.

"I don't know," she said again. "It could be a lot of things, but afterwards, I started thinking back, and I realised – I can't remember the last time I got my period. Things have been so crazy lately that I just lost track – I know it should be soon, but I'm not sure of the date."

She could see the fear in his eyes, but when he spoke, his voice was calm. "Well, the first thing we do when we get to Australia is get a test. Once we're sure, we'll figure out what we're going to do."

Kate didn't think it would be that simple in reality, but it was a relief to hear Jack involving himself already. She wondered if she should tell him about the test in her bag, but she still wasn't ready, especially with the niggling fears about Sawyer still in the back of her mind. She knew that if she were pregnant, and Sawyer was the father, Jack would never ask her to get rid of the baby, but she still didn't think he would be as amazing as he was right then. Still, that was only once, and she and Jack had been together almost every night since then, so the chances of any baby she had being Sawyer's were pretty slim.

Seeing her troubled expression, Jack pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. "There's no use worrying about something that might never happen," he said gently. "And if it does… I can't promise you it'll be easy, but we'll find a way to make this work."


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18. I Really Am Okay

The conversation drifted from the potential baby, to what they were going to do in Australia, tapering off into silence, but while Jack respected her wish to avoid the subject, Kate noticed a definite change in his behaviour towards her.

He was more attentive, though whether this was because she was sick, or something else, she wasn't sure, making sure that she ate, drank plenty of water, and stayed out of the sun as much as possible. When he thought she wasn't looking, she caught him staring at her, his eyes travelling down to her midsection, as if contemplating what might be growing there.

The strange part, though, was that while she'd expected him to take his duty to her seriously, he didn't look as unhappy as she thought he'd be, a small, tentative smile playing at the corners of his lips. She had no idea how he thought this was going to work, but already, he appeared more at peace than he had in days, as if her fears had given him back his sense of purpose, someone to take care of, the way he'd once taken care of the other survivors.

It almost made her wish that she was pregnant, though in reality, she knew it would be better for both of them if this was just a false alarm. It was a nice idea, but they couldn't bring a baby into the world, not until they'd sorted out their own lives first.

By midafternoon, they'd reached Cape York, at the top of the Australian coast, but they decided to wait until they found somewhere less arid, and more populated, to disembark. They'd never properly made it to the beach, so Kate suggested that they try the Gold Coast, which, in addition to being a big city, had the advantage of being one of the most popular tourist spots in Queensland. Like in Kuta, they wouldn't attract too much attention to themselves there; they could keep up the honeymooners ruse she'd created until they came up with a more permanent arrangement.

Which, Kate realised, they were going to have to do soon, if Jack's behaviour meant anything.

She was standing at the side of the deck, watching the coastline, when Jack came up behind her, sliding his arms around her waist. It was a reassuringly familiar position for her now, only today, instead of settling on her hips, his hands came to rest over her abdomen in what she didn't think was an entirely innocuous way.

She wasn't sure if this was a discreet attempt to examine her, or something else, but it made her oddly uncomfortable, mostly, she thought, because he seemed already to have decided what the result of the test was going to be.

"Hey," he said, his voice low and affectionate, kissing the side of her face, then pulling back to look at her.

"Hey." She took his hands in hers, shifting them gently, so that they were wrapped around her sides, away from her stomach.

"Is everything okay?" Kate could tell he was confused by this action, because she could hear the frown in his voice as he added, "You seem… distant."

"I've got a lot on my mind."

"Yeah." He laughed softly, his hands sliding subconsciously back to the place she'd just moved them from. "But I meant what I said – we'll figure this out."

"If there's anything to figure out," she reminded him pointedly, trying to keep him from getting too comfortable with the idea.

Conflicted feelings aside, the more she thought about it, the more unlikely it seemed. She felt okay now, a little tired, but then she hadn't slept much. She wasn't dizzy, or nauseous, or even all that hungry; Jack had had to force her to eat breakfast, or else she probably would have forgotten. If she were pregnant, shouldn't she have felt different somehow? But she didn't, she felt the same as she always did, just a little more stressed.

"Yeah," he agreed, a little too reluctantly, leaning forward so that he could see her expression better. He must have noticed the bags under her eyes, or the dullness of her stare, because he added, "With everything that's been going on, you haven't gotten much sleep lately, have you? Maybe you should lie down in the cabin for a while."

Kate let out an exasperated little sigh, remembering part of the reason she hadn't wanted to tell him about her mystery illness. "I know you mean well, Jack," she said, freeing herself from his arms, "But I really am okay. My stomach's settled down, my energy levels are back to normal – in fact, I'm pretty sure that if we were back on the island, I could hike all the way up the mountain again and still feel okay."

She smiled at him, to show him she was serious, but he continued to scrutinize her with that gentle, but firm, stare. "Even so," he said, "You were throwing up last night. Whatever the reason – and I know nothing's certain yet, so don't argue – I don't think you should be pushing yourself too hard today, not when we have a bed downstairs, and a good couple of days before we dock. We're just standing around anyway, so you might as well use this opportunity to rest."

This advice brought a coy smile to Kate's lips; a couple of days in bed didn't sound too bad if Jack was the one prescribing it. "If that's the case," she said, taking hold of his lapel, and bringing her face close to his, "then why don't you come with me?"

He tried to look disapproving of this idea, but he was grinning. "That's not rest, Kate."

"No, but it's relaxing," she told him, dragging him in the direction of the cabin.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19. You Don't Really Want A Baby, Do You?

If she weren't pregnant already, she would be soon if they kept this up, Kate mused, finding herself spending the second afternoon in as many days in bed with Jack. Once they got to the mainland, she would have to start insisting that they be more careful, something they should have thought of from the outset.

She rolled onto her side, looping her arms around his neck, and laying her head against his shoulder. "Jack?" she said softly, nervously; sensing the seriousness in her tone, he shifted onto his side too, so that he could look at her properly while she spoke.

"Yeah."

"You don't really want a baby, do you?" she asked tentatively, now that she had his attention. Sooner or later they were going to have to have this conversation; it was better to do it while it was all theoretical, before there were too many complex emotions involved.

His eyes travelled down her body again, stopping where the blankets covered her waist. He looked like he wanted to touch her stomach again, as if that would somehow tell him what he wanted to know, but he didn't, his hand coming to rest on her hip. "I don't know," he said. "Nothing's changed, has it? We're still waiting for confirmation?"

She nodded, wishing she could just take that test, and put them both out of their misery, but she needed to hear his answer first.

"So what makes you ask that?"

"I just…" she paused for a moment, knowing that this was a loaded question, "Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I got the impression that you did earlier, when you were trying to get me to eat, and rest, and all of that."

"Well, I do care about you, Kate – I want you to be healthy," he said, his voice low and full of emotion, but when he wouldn't meet her eyes, she knew there was more to his behaviour than this. "And if there's a baby," he added, his fingers caressing her side as he gauged her reaction, "I want it to be healthy too."

He paused, then apparently deciding that this wasn't enough of an answer, he rushed on. "This situation is ridiculous – I know that – but if you are pregnant, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. That's why we did this, right? To try to build some kind of life together?"

She gave him a slight nod, and he took her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. "Well," he added shyly, "Maybe this baby is the foundation of that."

His words were soothing, smoothing over the edges of her fear, but she knew she couldn't allow herself to be sucked in by such a beautiful dream, not while cold, hard reality was staring them in the face. She'd tried this before, tried listening to her heart, spurred on by the promises of the man she loved, and it hadn't worked out; she couldn't bear the thought that it might not be just Jack she was hurting this time.

"What would we do with it, Jack?" she probed, willing him to realise that this could be a living, breathing human being they were talking about, with its own ambitions, and its own dreams, which their's would effectively quash.

He was just reacting, like she had at first; it was still too soon for him to be thinking about the long term. He didn't know how isolating, and exhausting, this life was month after month, year after year, never knowing where you were going to sleep, or what you were going to do, or how you were going to feed yourself tomorrow, let alone a child.

"Everything would be okay for the first year or so," she said, answering the question for him. "We could just strap it into a baby carrier, and take it with us wherever we went. But after that, when it was old enough to ask us why we never stayed in one place?

"What would we do when it was time for it to go to school? It wouldn't have a birth certificate, or a medical history, or academic transcripts, or any of the things we'd need to enrol it the first time, let alone every time we moved on. It wouldn't have friends, or relatives, or emergency contacts – it wouldn't exist, Jack, except to us, and that's not fair.

"We couldn't be its whole world, not forever. I wish we could, because I could see you as a dad, but we can't do this – not now, not ever."

His hand went slack in hers, cowed as he was by this outburst. "I'm sorry, Jack," she said, more gently this time, squeezing it to make up for the lost contact. "I'm not trying to hurt you, but I need you to understand why I'm not okay with this. It isn't something I can just get over – I don't want a baby, not while there's nothing we could give it. Not while we don't have a future. That's why I left Kevin – because I couldn't go through this again."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20. Not Giving Up

She hadn't intended to hurt Jack with her honesty, but Kate knew she'd gone too far with this last part, because he pulled away from her then, dressing and leaving the cabin without another word. Leaving her own clothes on the floor, she went after him in just the sheet, but he wouldn't accept her apology, not after having the sacrifices he'd made for her dismissed in this way.

She was glad that they were still on the boat, and would be for a few more days, because she was pretty sure that if there was an airport nearby, he would have boarded the next flight home. Without really meaning to, she'd basically told him that if there was a baby, she wasn't having it, so that wasn't even enough of a reason for him to stay anymore.

The more she thought about it though, the more she realised that that wasn't what she wanted, in spite of her harsh words, which was probably why she was so reluctant to take the test. She couldn't have a baby, it was true, but she didn't think she could hurt one either, so if she really was pregnant, she didn't know what she'd do. She just had to hope that the test result was negative, and that they never found themselves in this situation again, though, she thought bitterly, this was becoming less and less of an issue. She couldn't have wounded Jack any deeper if she'd set out to do just that; she'd be lucky if he ever forgave her, especially now that he knew what she really thought of their relationship.

The next day was Christmas Eve, but they spent it in silence, moving around the boat like ghosts as they carried out their roles without speaking.

Once he'd finished adjusting the sails, Jack spent most of the day sitting on the port side of the deck, brooding as he stared out at the endless miles of empty ocean. Whenever Kate brought him water, he refused it; when she tried to get him to eat, he set his food aside, untouched. He no longer seemed to want anything from her; she wished she knew what he was thinking: Was he resenting her already, cursing himself for not handing her over to the Feds? Was he worrying about his mother, spending her first Christmas alone for nothing? Or was he grieving for the baby, real or imagined, that she'd told him they'd never have, and the normal life that went with it?

She felt completely shut out of his pain, and it hurt her to know that she'd caused it, that she'd ruined everything because she couldn't share his faith. Why was it that when she'd finally decided to be honest with him, it blew up in her face?

By the next day, which was Christmas, she'd given up trying to talk to him, leaving him to work through these issues in his own way.

It was a small comfort to her that her nausea hadn't returned after the first day, though this didn't entirely ease her fear now that the idea had been firmly implanted in her brain. If it hadn't happened this time, it could one day… she almost wanted it to, because right then, nothing could be worse than losing Jack after he'd given her hope.

She was sitting on the bed that night, staring vacantly into space, too numb to spend another agonising few hours crying into her pillow, when Jack surprised her by coming down into the cabin. He usually waited until she was asleep, or thought she was; the last few nights she'd just pretended, turning away from him so that he couldn't see the tearstains on her cheeks.

She was prepared for him to keep ignoring her as he collected whatever he came for and left, but he didn't, seating himself on the edge of the mattress beside her. He didn't speak for a moment, and she was afraid that when he did, it would be to insist that they parted ways once they reached Australia, but he surprised her again by saying, "I've been thinking about what you said," his eyes focused on the wall of the cabin, not ready to look at her yet, "And while I can't say I agree with you, I think you were right about one thing – we have to stop drifting, and start figuring out how we're going to make this situation work, like we did on the island."

He looked at her then, and Kate nodded, biting her lip, to keep her pessimistic side from re-emerging. She needed to make peace with him, not just for herself, but for the baby that potentially tied them together, even if she couldn't find it in herself to retract her words.

He must have seen the uncertainty in her eyes, because he put a hand on the side of her neck, bringing his face so close to hers that their foreheads were almost touching. "I'm not going to give up on us that easily, Kate," he said, giving her a stubborn look, "No matter how hard you try to convince me that we have no future. I made the mistake of letting Sarah go – I won't do it again with you."


	21. Chapter 21

Thanks for your reviews. I keep thinking you guys are going to hate what I write because it's not fluffy or wishful enough, but I guess not. I know, I'm cruel having them fight over Christmas, but I just thought it would be a particularly difficult time for them, as addressed in this chapter. As for the baby -- I'm not going to resolve that right away, but hopefully by the end of this update you'll understand why it's so hard for Kate to take the test. I'm thinking the subject of Kevin will come up next chapter, when Jack asks Kate to explain what she meant when she said left him because she couldn't go through this again...

And thanks for your comments on Not In Portland. I have one more question, or two related ones: Is Kate crying when she talks to Jack, and how does Sawyer react to all this? Although I've been told Juliet looks to be more of a threat to Jate than he is...

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Chapter 21. Not Much Of A Christmas 

"This hasn't been much of a Christmas, has it?" Jack said a while later, as they stood leaning on the railing of the deck, watching the lights of the distant coastline.

Music drifted faintly from the shore; someone was having a party, complete with fireworks; it was the sporadic cracks, like gunfire, that had drawn them from the cabin in the first place, awakening defensive instincts leftover from their experience with the Others.

Once they'd realised what was happening, they'd watched together in silence, the brightly coloured flashes illuminating their faces, bringing back memories of happier times. Kate had always loved fireworks as a kid, and the sense of danger that went with them; those little bursts of fear she'd felt when they seemed to explode right over her head. She had too much real fear in her life now to get the same thrill, but she enjoyed the peace of the moment, after the tension of the past few days.

"To be honest, I'd almost forgotten that it was Christmas," she agreed. She'd been disappointed, and depressed, at first, but then more pressing concerns, like the baby, and her failing relationship with Jack, had begun to take over again.

She hated Christmas anyway; growing up, it was just another excuse for Wayne to get drunk, this time, in front of relatives. Her mother had never allowed Sam to take her for the holidays; he bought her nice gifts to make up for it, but it wasn't the same as having those memories. If she were pregnant, that was one thing she hoped that they'd be able to give their child, in spite of all the craziness that made up their family life. It was an unsettling thought, that this time next year, they might be doing this again, only with a tiny three or four-month-old baby in tow.

"I didn't," Jack said, bringing her back to the present, where he was staring sadly at the minute figures on the beach.

Kate's heart went out to him as she realised that she'd been right; he was thinking about his mother during all those strained silent days on the deck. "Your mom, right?" she asked, putting her hand over his on the railing.

He took it gratefully, turning to look at her as he continued; she could see the pain and regret written across his expression. "I keep wondering when she got the news, and how she took it, hearing that her whole family was gone. She didn't even have a body to bury, not for my father, and not for me." Eyes glazed over with unshed tears, he turned back towards the beach. "The last time I saw her, we were fighting. I never got the chance to tell her how sorry I was, about Dad, and just… everything."

His voice broke, and he couldn't talk anymore, so Kate said, "The last time I saw my mom, she couldn't stand to look at me. She was afraid… she kept calling out for someone to help her. I never got the chance to tell her I was sorry either." Forcing the memory back into the locked recesses of her mind, she added, "Maybe you should call her when we get to Australia. You couldn't tell her where we were, or why, but I'm sure she'd be glad just to know that you're okay."

Jack looked at her, horrified. "I can't do that, Kate – if word got out that I was still alive, they could find out what we did."

"How? There were a couple of hundred people on that flight – the only people who even know that we knew each other aren't talking." She squeezed his hand reassuringly as she added, "You could just say that the pressure of your job, and your dad's death, got too much for you, and you needed to get away for a while. You said you did that once before, right? After Sarah left?"

He nodded.

"So who's to say you didn't seize the opportunity to do it again, more permanently this time?"

He ruminated over this carefully, nodding again; when he spoke, his voice was slightly incredulous. "How do you come up with this stuff?"

She gave him a sad smile, wishing that lying didn't come quite so naturally. She wasn't entirely sure this was another lie, though; part of her knew that as much as he loved her, he was using this as an escape from the pressures of his past, even if he wasn't fully aware of it yet. "I don't know – it's like a reflex," she said.

"So I've noticed."

She searched these words for bitterness, but found none; it seemed as if he was finally beginning to understand how essential such falsehoods were to her way of life.

"It's getting cool," Jack said, changing the subject as silence fell over them again. "If we're going to stay out here, you should probably cover up."

Kate hadn't even realised she was cold until then; she looked down at her arms, exposed by the scantness of her tank top. The skin was raised in tiny goosebumps, making the hairs stand on end.

"I'd give you my coat if I had one," he added with a lopsided grin.

"And they say chivalry is dead." She returned his grin as he wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her biceps to warm her up.

"Better?"

"Mmm," she murmured noncommittally, enjoying the feel of his body against hers after being deprived of it for so long. Despite sharing the same, small, bed, it had been more than forty eight hours since he'd held her like this, like he had before all of this started.

He must have taken this as a "yes", because he kissed the top of her head, releasing her. "I'm going to get you another shirt, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed, giving him an unhappy look; just to be difficult, she took his hand, holding onto it as he walked away.

He had to stop, tethered to her as he was, laughing as he said, "I'm going to need my hand back, Kate."

She held onto it for a moment longer, then let go, watching him disappear, grinning, below deck.

When he was gone, she turned back to the ocean, settling against the railing, and closing her eyes, as the breeze teased the tendrils of hair framing her face. For the first time in days, she was actually happy; at that moment, she could almost convince herself that as long as she had Jack, she didn't need anything else.

As hard as she tried to believe this, though, there was still that unnamed, unencouraged yearning that had arisen in her the moment the Balinese hostess had suggested she was pregnant. Since Kevin, motherhood wasn't something she'd allowed herself to contemplate, but now that it was a possibility again, she couldn't seem to let go of the idea. It wasn't until she'd told Jack that they'd never be parents, that she realised how much she wanted a baby of her own; Jack's baby. But it could never be, unless... her hand drifted to her stomach, but she snapped out of her thoughts when she heard Jack's footsteps behind her, his voice coming out tentatively as he called her name.

He was holding a shirt in one hand, but in the other, was the bag from the drugstore, the one containing the test she'd bought before they'd left Bali. She'd forgotten that it was still in her backpack, near the top, where he would have seen it as soon as he undid the zip.

"A pregnancy test, Kate?"

She tried to cover her guilt with indignation. "You opened it?"

"When I saw the drugstore logo, I was worried – I had to know what you were taking," he explained reasonably, just like she knew he would. Jack didn't snoop; as much as he hated it when she wasn't completely honest with him, he knew where the boundaries were.

"In all the time we were fighting about a baby that might not even exist, you didn't think you should tell me you had this?"

As much as she wanted to be angry with him, she couldn't, because she knew he was right. "I wanted to," she said softly, "But I knew you'd try to convince me to take it, and I wasn't ready."

She let down her defences then, allowing him to see how vulnerable she really was when it came to this issue. "I know I gave you the impression that I'd made up my mind, that I wanted to get rid of the baby, but I don't. I want it too, Jack, more than you know, but I don't know how to do this without it hating us. If we're not a part of the world, than it can't be either – I wish we were back on the island, because it would all be so simple then."

She started to cry then, so he came over and pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly against his chest. "So… so I'm afraid that I'm pregnant," she sobbed, "Because I don't know what were going to do." She took a deep breath, and told him the other part, the part she was ashamed to admit. "But more than that, I'm afraid that I'm not, because this is they only way we're ever going to have this."

"It's okay," he murmured softly against her ear. "We don't have to do this right away." He kissed the side of her head, then pulled back so that he could meet her eyes. "But I want you to know that if you are pregnant, we don't have to make any decisions just yet. We can take it one day at a time, until we figure out how we're going to do this. The baby won't hate us, Kate, I promise, because we're going to everything that we can to make sure that it doesn't."


	22. Chapter 22

Oh, so you guys do want a Jaby now? Hmm... Thanks for the reviews and the comments on NIP. I can't wait to see it! I don't think I can write anymore emotional scenes for a while, so I think next chapter I'm going to jump forward to Australia.

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Chapter 22. Promise Me 

Kate could tell Jack shared her indecision when it came to her being pregnant, because he didn't press her to take the test after she broke down and explained this. It was stupid and selfish to want a child that they couldn't provide for in any material sense; neither one of them was naive enough not to know this; but then their actions hadn't exactly been fraught with logic of late.

It was an impossible situation, any way they looked at it, but the idea that they could still lead something of a normal life gave them the hope they needed to find a way past it. Kate wasn't ready to kill that dream yet, but at the same time, she wasn't sure they could handle the pressure a baby would bring to their lives either, so for now, she was content to remain in limbo, with no resolution one way or the other.

And so too, it seemed, was Jack.

They stayed out on the deck until well after midnight, when they both started to yawn in succession. Then Jack took her by the shoulders, and gently steered her towards the cabin, where they collapsed into bed fully clothed. Kate shed the thicker shirt Jack had brought her, curling up close to him, and settling against his warm chest under the blankets. He responded by wrapping his arms around her, pulling her closer still, so that her legs were tangled up with his, her head nestled against his shoulder.

Exhausted, physically and emotionally, she started drifting off right away, but he called her name softly into her hair, pulling her back from the edges of sleep.

"Kate?"

"Mm hmm?"

"What did you mean the other day when you said you left Kevin because you couldn't go through this again?" When she didn't answer right away, he added, "Were you pregnant before? Did you…?" He trailed off, but it wasn't hard to figure out what he was really asking.

Kate was awake, but she hadn't quite reached the surface of consciousness; this question woke her up fully. "No," she said, her voice barely above a whisper, causing him to turn his head. Before he could jump to the conclusion that she and Kevin had a child somewhere, she added, "I thought I was – part of me wanted to be – but no."

She paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts, then explained, "That was only part of it – he wanted to take me on a trip, but there was no way I could get a passport. So I started thinking about it – about spending the rest of my life pretending to be someone who didn't exist – and it terrified me. It was hard enough lying to Kevin, but to have to lie to my own child?

"My mom did that. For twenty-four years, she looked me in the eyes and lied about who I really was. I didn't want to be like her, living in constant fear that someone would find out the truth. And I didn't want my child to hate me when it did, the way I hated her and Wayne, and even Sam.

"I knew I couldn't keep lying forever, so I left before the situation got anymore complicated. He hates me now – you saw it – but I didn't do it to hurt him, I did it so that he could have a real life, with someone who could be completely honest with him."

She hadn't really answered the question, so she said, "I guess when I started thinking about being pregnant again, it stirred up a lot of those feelings. I know it's different with us, because I don't have to lie to you, but what about our baby? We could settle somewhere with fake names, and fake identity papers, and try to give it a normal life, but we'd be denying it the truth about where it came from. My mom tried to protect me that way, and it didn't turn out so well."

It still hurt to dredge up those parts of her life; Kate was tempted to withdraw to a more comfortable space inside of herself, but, instead, she wriggled closer to Jack, seeking comfort from him. The distance between them was so small now that she was almost on top of him; she rested her cheek against his collarbone, tightening her arms around him.

Holding her against him, he traced gentle circles on her back as he said, "If it helps, I've been thinking the same thing. But there has to be another way, Kate – one that doesn't end with you walking out on me."

She didn't answer, knowing, as she did, that if she weren't pregnant, this was probably the best thing she could for him, so he said more firmly this time, "Promise me you'll never do that – promise me you'll never just take off like you did with Kevin. If you're leaving, I want the chance to talk you out of it."

It was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do, but she promised.

But as they were settling back down to sleep, she couldn't help wondering if it was because she wasn't going to leave this time, or because she knew that if she'd made up her mind to do so, there was nothing he could say to stop her.


	23. Chapter 23

Hey guys. Reviews seem to be a little slower than usual today, but I'll post the next chapter anyway, since you've been so great lately. They're still on the boat, but I'm getting sick of trying to find things for them to do, so they'll probably arrive in Australia next chapter. I have no idea how long sailing anywhere takes, so I'm just going to have to guess.

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Chapter 23. What If I Was Wrong? 

It rained the next day; there were cyclone warnings on the radio, but they had nowhere to dock, so they pushed on, only leaving the cabin to check the sails, and adjust the rudder when they veered off course.

Coming in from one of these outings, they changed into clean, dry clothes, sitting on the bed while Jack taught Kate how to play poker properly to pass the time. Holding up the cards to illustrate, he tried to show her how to tell the difference between a straight, a flush, and a straight flush, but the more he explained, the more confused she got, so in the end she suggested they just play.

With no idea what she was doing, or what each sequence of cards meant, she bluffed wildly, trying to make him think she had a better hand than she probably did, but he always won, because his was inevitably better.

When she grew tired of this, she put down her cards, took his, and crawled into his lap. He settled back against the wall with her still in his arms, and together, they listened to the rain beating down on the deck outside.

Kate must have fallen asleep sometime after that, because the next thing she knew, the sun was out, and she was alone, a blanket draped loosely over hips. Stretching, she left the cabin in search of Jack, finding him out on the deck.

"Hey," he said, stepping back from the rigging. "Sleep well?"

"I would have slept better if you hadn't left," she said, giving him a petulant look. She hated waking up without him; it was too much like when they were fighting.

He laughed softly, checking the knot he'd just tied. "You were dead to the world, Kate – you hardly seemed to notice when I moved you."

Now that he was finished with the sails, he came to meet her, his hands resting lightly on her sides while his brown eyes studied hers with concern. "How are you feeling?"

Though the question was simple, generic, it was loaded with hidden meaning. "I'm fine – I just dozed off," she said, not wanting him to read too much into it. It was cold, and she was comfortable; there was nothing significant about her falling asleep under the circumstances.

When he saw that this was all he was going to get from her, he nodded, changing the subject. "Weather's clearing up. Provided the wind doesn't change too much, we should be there sometime tomorrow."

"That's good," she agreed. "If we have to stay on this boat much longer, I think I'm going to get cabin fever."

Jack gave her an amused look, as if he wasn't sure whether this was a pun or not. "If you're bored," he said, with a grin, "we could play poker again."

She pretended to scowl at him. "That's not going to make me any less bored."

"Well, we could do something to make it more interesting then."

"Like what – strip poker?" she said, half joking, but he nodded seriously.

Her scowl increased as she slapped him lightly on the arm. "You just want to see me take my clothes off."

"It was your idea, not mine," he reminded her innocently, "And I can't help it if I'm a better player."

She tried to look indignant at this, but they both dissolved into fits of laughter. When they composed themselves, Jack slid his arms around her so that their chests were touching, looking down into her eyes.

"I love you," he said, for the first time since they'd left the island, taking her by surprise. While she knew it was true, he wasn't normally one for spontaneous declarations; he preferred to let his actions speak for him.

"I love you too," she agreed softly, wondering what brought this on.

He didn't offer her an explanation, covering her mouth with his before she could ask. She kissed him back at first, but when things started to get a little heated, she pushed him away gently. "Jack…"

He looked at her, confused. "Did I…?"

"No, you didn't do anything wrong," she finished for him. "I just… I thought we agreed that we couldn't afford to get pregnant?"

He nodded slowly. "We did, but—"

She put a finger to his lips to silence him. "So we have to be more responsible about this."

Jack took her hand away gently. "You're absolutely right, and normally I'd be right there with you, but there's pretty good chance you're pregnant already, so I'd say the damage is already done."

Kate sighed, looking away from him. "I know, I just—" She changed tracts, unable to explain why this was so important to her. "You get where I'm coming from, don't you?"

He nodded, so she added, "I'll make it up to you when we get to Australia, I promise, but until then, can we just…"

"I'd never force you to do anything you didn't want to do, Kate, you know that."

"Of course," she agreed, relieved.

She was prepared to change the subject, but he continued to look at her thoughtfully. "What?"

"You really don't think you're pregnant, do you?" he said. "Either that, or you don't want to be." She opened her mouth to argue, but he kept talking. "Every time I even hint at the possibility, you shut down. You're doing it now," he added, when she tried to protest again. "Is that why you don't want to take the test, Kate? Because you're afraid of disappointing me? Of being wrong?"

She wanted to tell him "no", but he was giving her that look, the one that meant he wasn't going to let this go without an answer. "I wasn't lying when I said I was fine," she told him miserably. "I'm not sick – I haven't been sick since we left Bali. I don't have any symptoms. What if I was wrong? What if I'm not pregnant? I know how much you want this, Jack – if not now, then in the future. Are you really going to want to keep doing this if I'm not?"


	24. Chapter 24

Thanks for the reviews. I don't think she's as afraid of losing him – she knows he loves her, and he's not the kind of guy who'd let go of their relationship willingly, especially after Sarah – as she is of him staying with her, and missing out on a lot of things like kids, and his career. They're fighting a lot, so she's worried that if they stay together, their relationship will suffer anyway, and they'll end up ruining each other's lives. So she's looking ahead a few years, to when just being together might not be enough, while he's more focused on the present. That's why I introduced this whole Jaby thing, to show where they're both coming from in terms of the future. Jack thinks they can get past anything, but as we all know, Kate's a little more pessimistic...

Don't worry, she will take the test, but there are a few more things I want to happen to prepare her. (And I want to do a few angst-less chapters first). I am curious to know what you think will happen with that, though...

I'm so excited -- I finally get to see A Tale of Two Cities tonight! I pretty much know what happens, but still...! That's why the chapter's so short -- I was having trouble concentrating!

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Chapter 24. De Ja Vu 

As hard as Jack tried to convince her that he wanted her more than he wanted a baby, the sadness in his eyes told Kate that this wasn't entirely true. He wanted both, which was what made their situation so heartbreaking: no matter what she did, no matter which choice she made, she was going to hurt him, like Kevin. If she stayed with him, then the baby thing might not be an issue for a while, but sooner or later it would come up again, and given Jack's age, she was pretty sure it would be sooner. She had another ten years before her biological clock really started ticking, but he was almost forty, so it made sense that this subject was beginning to weigh on his mind.

It didn't help either that he was the kind of person who always needed someone to take care of; someone to worry about; someone to put ahead of himself. A baby would take care of that; it would fill the void left by his patients and the other survivors, but if they stayed together, that was something she would probably never be able to give him.

Jack was right; they reached the Gold Coast the following day, docking at a marina surrounded by skyscrapers. The boats there were bigger, and flashier, than the ones they'd seen in Kuta, where the harbour seemed to be used mainly by tourists.

"De ja vu, huh?" Kate said as they disembarked, surveying their new surroundings.

"Maybe a little," Jack agreed, "But that's okay – it's going to be harder to run into anyone we know here. Which means we might be able to stay more than twenty four hours this time."

Kate looked away, embarrassed, but he took her hand to show her that he didn't blame her for wanting to leave Bali; she doubted he wanted to run into Kevin again either.

"This place is a lot bigger than Kuta," he said, steering the conversation into safer territory, "Maybe we should leave our stuff on the boat, and come back for it later, once we've had a look around."

Tired of lugging her backpack around all the time, Kate agreed to this plan, so they shut up the cabin, and left the marina, heading out onto the busy street. As they pushed their way through the crush of pedestrians, she felt her body tense like it always did when she felt threatened, but Jack tightened his grip on her hand, whispering, "Relax – we're even less conspicuous here than we were in Bali. For all anyone knows, we live here."

This made her feel a little better, so flashed him a small smile, squeezing his hand back, as she willed herself to let go of some of the tension. In a city of this many people, no one was going to notice them unless they looked suspicious, and right then, she probably did.

There was a mall across the road, so they found a bank, changed the money from Rp back into Australian dollars, and went in search of a supermarket. They couldn't afford to keep eating out, and they'd finished off most of the food they'd brought with them from the island; they also needed things like soap, shampoo and deodorant, not to mention the fact that the whole birth control issue still needed resolving.

Once they'd found what they needed, they headed to the food court to decide their next move. Though they still had a few hundred dollars left, it was disappearing fast; it wouldn't last long now that they were back in Australia, where even a basic motel room would cost them upwards of sixty dollars a night. That was how she'd run out of money the first time she was in Australia; even though life was cheaper here than back in the US, it wasn't anywhere near as cheap as somewhere like Bali.

When Kate pointed this out to Jack, he gave her a self-satisfied smile. "I think I have an idea of how we can improve our luck," he said, "But you're going to need better clothes than that."

Kate looked down at the faded tank top and jeans she was wearing. Both were still a little stained from long hikes into the jungle, but were probably among the cleaner, more presentable, things she owned. "What's wrong with my clothes?" she asked, trying to look indignant, but failing miserably. She was aware of how shabby she looked compared to some of the women they'd seen this afternoon, but then they hadn't spent the last few months stranded on an island without a mirror.

Jack laughed, his grin increasing. "Nothing. They're fine here, but I think singlets and sandals are against the dress code where I'm taking you tonight."

* * *

So what's Jack's plan to improve their financial situation? I'm sure most of you can guess... 


	25. Chapter 25

A Tale of Two Cities was awesome! I love it when Jack's all crazy! I just wish we could have seen him and Kate together, instead of Kate and Sawyer. (I'm appauled by the number of Skate stories lately, is anyone else? I just can't see them ever getting married, or having kids... What happened to all the Jate stories?) I'm jealous of you guys -- Flashes Before Your Eyes sounds so interesting! I can't believe they're considering killing you know who! Especially taking certain off screen considerations into account...

I knew you guys were going to figure out Jack's plan. I actually thought more of you would, especially given what they were doing in a few chapters ago, which by the way, is when Jack first got the idea. I thought it would be a fun diversion, especially given all the angst lately...

* * *

Chapter 25. A Night Off 

In spite of Kate's protests, Jack maintained that losing the tank top and sandals was a necessary evil, so finally, she caved, and agreed that they could afford to replace them if it would end up improving their finances.

The whole thing certainly was intriguing, she decided as they left the mall a while later, heading back across the road to the marina. Jack was so adverse to the idea of conning, that she had to wonder if he'd found some loophole; some way of swindling people out their money without it plaguing his conscience. That, or he really was beginning to see the moral grey areas that made up her life.

Not wanting to shell out the exorbitant cross-city cab fare, they collected their stuff, and caught a bus two suburbs over, to where Jack insisted they needed to be. It was almost evening then, so they wandered around until they found a motel that wasn't too expensive, although, at AU $68 a night, it wasn't anywhere near as good a deal as the hostel in Bali.

"So are you going to tell me where we're going?" Kate asked as they let themselves into their room.

Jack grinned, and shook his head. "No – you'll just have to trust me." He was still looking pretty pleased with himself, so she decided that for now, she would.

One advantage their motel room had over the hostel in Bali was a private bathroom, which, although small, was entirely their own. Once they'd unpacked the basics, Kate showered, and washed her hair, enjoying the fact that for the first time in a long time, she didn't have to worry about anyone barging in on her. Then she put on a fresh pair of jeans, and changed into the halter-top they'd bought, green, because Jack said it brought out the colour in her eyes.

He was sitting on the bed, lost in thought, but he looked up at her when she came out of the bathroom, flashing her a boyish grin. "Looks good on you," he said, looking her up and down in a way that could only be interpreted as checking her out.

She grinned back, enjoying his reaction to seeing her dressed like a real girl for once. It wasn't like the fact that she was a woman was something he could easily forget, but still, it didn't hurt to remind him sometimes.

Jack broke eye contact first, looking at his watch. "It's almost six – we should probably get going soon."

Digging through his backpack, he pulled out a clean pair of jeans and a shirt with buttons, heading for the bathroom. He had to pass close by her on the way; with such a small space between them, he didn't seem able to resist stopping in front of her, inhaling the scent of her shampoo as he said, "I don't think I tell you enough how beautiful you are, Kate."

She opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, he placed a gentle kiss on her lips and disappeared into the bathroom.

This was the second time in two days that he'd surprised her with a spontaneous declaration of his feelings. She wasn't sure if it was the fact that she might be carrying his baby, or his fear of losing her, that was making him so openly affectionate all of a sudden, but whatever the reason, she couldn't help feeling guilty about some of the thoughts she'd been having lately. He was so perfect, and so in love with her; she didn't really want to leave him, did she? Not after everything that had happened with Kevin?

She pushed these thoughts aside when Jack came out of the bathroom, dressed and towelling off his short hair. "Ready to go?" he asked, collecting his wallet, and returning the towel to the bathroom.

"Yeah," she agreed, giving him a forced smile. She reached for her shoes, but he stopped her, closing a hand over hers.

"Is something wrong?"

She shook her head. "No, everything's fine," she told him with what she knew sounded like false cheeriness. "I was just trying to figure out what you've got planned."

He didn't seem to buy this, knowing instinctually that she had something more serious on her mind. "If this is about the baby, Kate, I've backed off," he said. "I'm not going to force you to take that test until you're ready, so don't worry about it, okay? We deserve a night off, so let's just try to have fun. We'll deal with everything else as it happens."

Kate didn't want to tell him what she was really thinking, so she nodded, pulling on her shoes, and following him to the door. He was right; they did deserve a night off from all their problems. They could worry about everything else in the morning.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26. Do You Trust Me?

As they left the motel, Kate asked Jack where they were going again, but all he said was, "Do you trust me?", lacing his fingers through hers as they walked. She nodded, but she didn't really understand what he was asking, until they turned into the final street, and he led her up to the doors of a large, flashy two-storey building: a casino.

"Gambling, Jack?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him, surprised that he would come up with a harebrained scheme worthy of Sawyer, but he squeezed her hand, his smug grin returning.

"Not exactly."

She didn't know what else he could be thinking of in a place like this, but he seemed to have thought it through, so she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, following him into the gaming area. He walked straight past the slot machines, and the roulette wheels, however; realisation dawned on her, and a slow smile spread over her face as he stopped them at the entrance to the poker room.

"Do you trust me?" he asked again, and this time, she understood why.

Kate had only seen him play poker properly once, against Sawyer, back on the island. The southerner was pretty good, but Jack had mopped the floor with him; she couldn't fathom where he'd picked up the skill, but he seemed to know what he was doing. "Yeah, I trust you," she agreed.

He took out his wallet, counting what remained of their money. "We don't have much left," he said, "So to get anything substantial out of this, we're going to have to bet it all." He looked to her for confirmation again. "Are you sure you want to do this? It's a pretty big risk."

"I trust you," she repeated, knowing that he wouldn't have suggested it if he didn't think he could win.

"Okay, then," he said, flashing her a nervous grin. "Let's do this."

Setting aside a few dollars just in case, they bought their chips, then walked around the room, surveying the other players. It wasn't hard to separate the serious contenders from the novices, not least of all by the quality of their poker faces; at one of the lower betting tables, a middle-aged tourist, in a loud Hawaiian shirt, couldn't seem to contain his excitement at having a winning hand.

Jack nudged Kate with his elbow, a wicked grin lighting up his face. "Think I could beat him?"

"I think I could beat him," she agreed, laughing, so he headed over to the table to wait out the rest of the game.

The guy in the Hawaiian shirt turned out to be one of the better players at the table, so even though he toned his game down, Jack still won. Annoyed at having his winning streak broken, the tourist stuck around to try to win his money back, but Jack beat him again, this time, with just a pair of sixes. The third time Jack won, he started to look suspicious, so they collected their chips, and moved up to a higher betting table.

Drawing on Jack's poker lessons, Kate tried to follow his progress, but each time he moved up, she found herself getting more and more lost, until she gave up completely. He'd already doubled their money by then, so, figuring that they'd be there a while, she went to get him a drink. She didn't think he'd appreciate her drinking until they knew for certain that she wasn't pregnant, so she got herself an orange juice, returning to find him gathering up his chips after yet another win.

"We're up to twelve hundred dollars now," he whispered in her ear as she placed the glass in front of him.

"You really are on fire tonight," she agreed, returning his grin. It was endearing; she decided she liked seeing this more reckless, carefree side of him. He was always so serious, so busy worrying; it made her happy to see him enjoying himself so thoroughly.

"We're never going to be able to compete on that level," he said, nodding over at the table where the serious players were placing hundreds of thousands of dollars in bets, "But if we keep going, I think we could probably at least double what we've got."

"So keep going," she told him, seeing the excitement in his eyes at the prospect. It was a pretty big risk, to put down the whole twelve hundred, but then, that was probably why it was so thrilling for him, she decided. In his old life, he could have taken on the guys in the corner, and lost more than that without really feeling it. But if he lost tonight…

The consequences of that weren't something she really wanted to think about, but she'd meant what she said: she trusted him. He would never allow himself to do the wrong thing by her; if he thought trying to double their money was a calculated risk, then she wasn't going to stop him. After all, given what might lie ahead of them, they were going to need every cent they could get.


	27. Chapter 27

Don't worry, gia, Jack's not gonna lose all their money! Quite the opposite…

I'm not going to do it, because it would be ridiculous, but I keep thinking how funny it would be if they ran into Kevin at the casino. But no, he's still in Bali, commiserating with his friend. And Sarah is still in the US, so it's just the two (three?) of them now.

Even though my plan hasn't changed, A Tale of Two Cities helped me understand the ending, and Jack's motivation in general. The way I see it, no matter how hard he tries, all his life, people have been telling him that he's not good enough – first his dad, then Sarah (he looked so heartbroken when she told him that their divorce wasn't about who the other guy was, but he who he wasn't) – then along comes Kate, and not only does she tell him that he is good enough, but he's actually her first choice. So all of the energy he previously put into proving himself to those people, he now puts into holding onto that, and her. Plus, as he doesn't take break ups well ;)

I'll resolve the baby issue soon, but it's kind of the end, or the prelude to the end, so I need a few more things to happen first.

* * *

Chapter 27. I Don't Ever Want To Lose You 

Over the course of the next hour, Jack succeeded in doubling their winnings, and then some, bringing them up to a grand total of almost four thousand dollars, including the four hundred they'd started with. He could have kept going, but they were beginning to draw too much attention to themselves, not the least of all because the Hawaiian shirted man was protesting loudly that he'd cheated, so they decided to cash in their chips, and call it a night. They had enough to live on for the time being; they could always come back later, or find another casino, when it started to run low again.

"I'm sorry that wasn't more fun for you," Jack said as they left the casino a while later. "I know how much you hate poker."

"I don't hate poker," Kate corrected him. "I just don't like playing it that much, especially against you." She stepped in front of him, walking backwards as she added playfully, "I do, however, enjoy watching you play, especially when you get all serious and intense."

"I don't get intense," he protested, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, but she cut him off, laughing.

"Yes, do you. Your brow gets all furrowed, like it does when you're concentrating, and you forget everything except the game. A couple of times I spoke to you, and you didn't even hear me."

Guilt flashed across his features, and he looked like he wanted to apologise for ignoring her again, so she added, "It's okay, like I said, I like watching. I actually think you're kind of sexy when you get like that."

It was his turn to laugh. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," she agreed, stepping closer to him as she returned his grin.

"You know, I was going to suggest we go somewhere to celebrate," he said, sliding his arms around her waist, "But now I'm thinking that we should just go back to the motel."

"That's not a bad idea," she told him, leaning in so that their lips were almost touching, then pulling back, laughing. Still high on adrenaline from the casino, and feeling lighter and more impulsive than she had in days, she added, "Come on, I'll race you."

Freeing herself from his embrace, she turned and sprinted down the pavement before he could catch her again, giggling when she heard his footsteps pick up behind her.

Though all thoughts of the casino were driven from her head for a while, Kate couldn't help laughing later when she remembered the look on the Hawaiian shirted guy's face as it dawned on him that Jack wasn't a novice.

When she reminded him of this, he laughed too, waiting until they'd both settled down to face her. "I had fun tonight," he said, with a gentle smile, reaching out to push a stand of hair out of her face.

"Me too," she agreed, shifting closer to him, so that they were both sharing his pillow. "I'm sorry things have been so weird between us lately."

He pulled her closer still, kissing her cheek where the curl had been. "It's not your fault – everything's been so crazy since we left the island." He pressed his lips to her temple this time, laying his head back down beside hers on the pillow. "I'm just glad we're back on track."

She was so warm and content that could feel herself drifting off by then; she nodded wearily, settling into him as she closed her eyes.

He was silent for a moment; she thought he must be falling asleep too, but then she felt his breath, soft and warm, against her cheek as he added, "I don't ever want to lose you, Kate. I can't go through that again."

She was only half-conscious by then, no longer lucid enough to string together a full sentence, so before she let sleep take over her completely, she snuggled as close to him as she could, their faces almost touching now. "Me neither," she murmured, those two words summing up everything she felt at that moment.


	28. Chapter 28

Slow review day, but I'm going to put the new chapter up anyway, since it's done. I'm glad you guys are liking the fluffier chapters so far - there's more angst coming up, so I thought, like Ben, I'd give them something nice to hold onto.

* * *

Chapter 28. Maternal Instincts 

Jack wasn't in bed when Kate woke up the next morning; looking at the rumpled sheets on his side of the mattress, she felt a pang of fear, remembering their conversation the night before. He'd told her that he didn't want to lose her… was something happening that she didn't know about? Had he finally decided to go home?

But nothing had changed; she relaxed when, sitting up, she saw him standing in the little kitchenette, making coffee.

"Hey," he said, coming over. "I'm not sure I should be giving you this," he added as he handed her one of the mugs he was holding, leaning down to kiss her good morning.

"It's just coffee, Jack," she told him, nursing the cup as she settled back against the headboard. "It's not going to kill me… or anyone else."

Sitting down beside her, he gave her a wry smile, taking a sip of his own coffee. "So what do you want to do today? Keeping in mind that we actually have money now."

Kate thought about it for a moment; realising that as long as she spent it with him, she didn't care what they did, she turned the question back on him. "What do you want to do today?"

"Well," he said, telling her that he had given it some thought, "I was thinking we could go out for breakfast, maybe somewhere along the esplanade, then walk down to the beach."

It was the kind of pleasant, but uneventful morning she would have chosen herself, had she been feeling creative, so she agreed, finishing her coffee and getting dressed.

"Too bad I didn't think to pack my bathing suit," she joked as she stepped into her jeans, realising how hot she was going to be out on the open beach. It was still summer here, the hole in the ozone layer making it even warmer than it was on the island; the clothes she had had served her well on long hikes through the jungle, but they weren't exactly suited to this climate.

"We could get you one if you want, now that we have money," Jack said with a sly grin, making her laugh.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? Seeing me in a bikini?"

He gave her a non-committal shrug, waiting until she'd turned her attention back to getting dressed to add, "I've seen you in a lot less…"

She had finished with her shirt, and was just about to make the bed, so she threw one of the pillows at him. "Jack!"

She was aiming for his head, but his reflexes were too good; he ducked easily. "What?" he said innocently.

She expected him to lob it back, but he didn't, picking it up and returning it to her while she finished making the bed. In spite of what she'd told him, two days ago, on the boat, he still didn't seem comfortable roughhousing with her; he had chased her last night, but for the most part, whenever she tried to engage in this kind of horseplay with him, he put an end to it quickly.

"Seriously, though," he said, losing the impish grin as he took the other side of the duvet and helped her pull it up. "Money's not so tight now, so if there's anything you need, or even just want…"

"It wasn't a bad idea, actually," she agreed, replacing the pillows. "It's too hot here to keep wearing jeans." With the bed now made, she sat on the end, pulling on her sandals, and fastening the buckles. "You could probably do with some new clothes too."

"So I guess we're going shopping again after breakfast?" he said, as she stood up, pretending to look dismayed.

"I guess so."

* * *

After eating breakfast at a beachside café, they headed back into the city, to the other major mall in the area. It was getting towards midday by then; even though the mall was arranged more like an arcade than a complex, the paths were well-shaded, so once they were done shopping, they just hung out there until the weather cooled down.

The sun had shifted by about three o'clock, bringing the temperature down to a more manageable level, so they changed into some of the more beach-friendly clothing they'd bought, wandering out into the city again, in the direction of the ocean.

Crossing the road to the beach, they discovered that the surf was a lot higher here than on the island, the lifesavers' flags no more than forty or fifty feet apart. It was still tourist season, so since they were content to stay out of the water for the time being, they decided to head further down the beach, away from the heavier crowds.

There were a few lone surfers down that way, along with some families building sandcastles, or playing beach cricket, but for the most part, there was more unoccupied space, so they found a spot near the water and sat.

"It's weird, isn't it," Kate said, as they watched a little girl write her name in the sand with a spade nearby, "That we were on the island all that time, and yet we never really seemed to use the beach." The little girl finished tracing out the letters of Annabelle, adding a few shells to decorate it.

"I think we were a little preoccupied, what with all the shootings, and kidnappings," Jack reminded her, but he was smiling, the beauty of the day making it hard to return to that dark place.

"That wasn't all the time, though – we still managed to play golf a few times, and poker, and have that party with the food from the hatch," Kate pointed out, her eyes returning to the little girl, Annabelle, as she scooped out the sand in the holes of each of the letters. "I just think it's interesting that we lived on a beach for months, and yet no one ever thought to go swimming, or build sandcastles, or sunbathe, or anything. Well maybe Shannon," she added, remembering how much time the younger girl had spent working on her tan in the early days. She felt sad for a moment, thinking about it, but she shook this off abruptly, determined to put those memories behind her.

"I never really thought about it, but I guess we did take it for granted," Jack agreed, "But then I lived in L.A. for over thirty years, and I hardly ever went to the beach. I never even had a pool."

"I never had a pool either," Kate told him, "Or a beach. A couple of my friends did, but I didn't go over there much. That's probably why I'm such a crappy swimmer."

Jack laughed gently at her self-deprecating comments. "If that's true, then remind me to make sure you never fall overboard."

"Oh, I don't think we have to worry about that," she said, grinning back at him. "You're a strong enough swimmer for both of us. You saved Boone, and he was supposed to be a lifesaver."

"The first time I met him, I told him he should give his license back," he said, his smile turning rueful.

Kate knew that Boone, and his death, was still a sore spot with Jack, so rather than let him dwell on it this time, she jumped to her feet, reaching down and dragging him to his. "I have an idea – why don't you come sink with me?"

He laughed on hearing this suggestion, most likely remembering the time, months ago now, that he'd first caught her doing it. "You don't think that's a bit juvenile for us?" he asked, giving her a slightly incredulous look.

"No, I told you – I used to do it with my mom. It's actually kind of fun."

The little girl, Annabelle, had abandoned her artwork, and was now racing towards the water. As Kate watched her dart in and out of the waves, racing them up the beach, she started thinking, not just about her own mother, but the relationship she wanted to have with her own child. Her mother had always been so preoccupied with work, and Wayne; sinking was one the few fun thing she could remember doing with her as a kid. If she ever had a child of her own, she was wanted to take the time to make more good memories for it, than her own mother had for her.

"Maybe if we have a daughter, you'll do it with her," Jack said, watching her watch the little girl, as if he could somehow sense her thoughts. She was so caught off guard by how real the idea of this baby was becoming to both of them, that for once, she didn't try to get him off the subject.

"Maybe." She unbuckled her shoes, thinking about what he'd just said. "Is that what you want, a girl?" she asked curiously, realising that while they'd discussed the possibility of a baby, they'd never allowed themselves to share these kinds of dreams. He must have thought about it, though, if she had.

He grinned, contemplating this as he kicked off his own shoes. "I'm not sure we get much of a choice, but yeah – I think so. My father screwed me up so badly that I don't think I could handle a boy. I think I'd worry that I was being too hard on him, like my father was on me."

"So you'd just have to make sure that you weren't," Kate said, touching his arm gently now that they were both standing again. "But you're right, I do love the idea of a little girl," she added, looking over at Annabelle, who was now standing in the ocean, submerged up to her chest, bouncing around happily.

"Do you think she should be out that far by herself?" she asked Jack, turning to look up the beach at her parents, who were talking to another couple, and didn't seem to have seen her.

He shook his head. "No, but it's none of our business, Kate," he said, taking her hand, though whether this was to comfort her, or restrain her, she wasn't sure. "Unless she's really in danger, there's nothing we can do."

"You're right," she agreed, forcing herself to relax. It was none of their business; any minute now, the little girl's parents were going to look up, and call her out of the water. If she rushed to challenge their authority, she would only end up feeling stupid, especially when she wasn't even a parent herself.

Yet, a little voice in the back of her head told her, but she pushed this thought aside.

Jack seemed to be thinking along similar lines, because he laughed, giving her shoulder a playful nudge. "Maternal instincts kicking in?"

She shook her head vehemently, thought whether she was denying this for his benefit, or her own, she couldn't tell. "I just hate bad parents, that's all," she insisted, knowing that he of all people would understand her issue. His family hadn't been that wonderful either. "They should be watching her."

"Lucky for her, you're watching her instead," he teased her.

She only turned away for a second, to insist that this had nothing to do with her, or her maternal instincts, but when looked back at the water, the little girl was gone.

* * *

This last part probably seems a bit random, but there is a point, which will become clear in the next few chapters. 


	29. Chapter 29

I don't think Kate's going to rescue Annabelle, gia… I'm not sure Jack would let her, given what she said about being a crappy swimmer. Plus there is the whole baby thing, which is why he doesn't want to roughhouse with her either, mcanj. Obviously, if this is their one chance at having a child, he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardise that. But you're right, midnight-sk8r, this situation is going to dredge up some issues for both of them. Maybe not that one, but there will be issues. And for the record, NYR88, I hate bad parents too -- I've seen kids sitting on the railings of escalators and things like that, and I always want to pull them off and take them home with me.

Oh, and I'm intrigued by what you said about the preview for 3.09, gia – I haven't seen it, but I'm interested to know what Sawyer says to Kate. So you'll have to fill me in after Wednesday, while I make do with The Glass Ballerina. I'm determined to enjoy the mini season – fortunately for us, we'll get the rest of season three right away, so that will definitely make it easier.

* * *

Chapter 29. You Scared Me 

Kate's hands flew to her mouth as she realised what was happening. "Jack!" she cried fearfully, but he was already racing into the water, shedding his shirt as he went.

She took a few steps toward him, wanting to help, but before she could follow, he called, "Stay where you are, Kate. Whatever happens, don't even think about coming in after me. I can't be worrying about you too."

She opened her mouth to protest, but his focus had returned to the little girl as he dove into the surf, propelling himself further and further out to sea, leaving her alone, once again, to watch the man she loved risk his life for a stranger.

The girl's parents must have looked up by then, because Kate heard a hysterical cry behind her, sand flying as the mother ran down the water. She was younger than Kate, early twenties maybe, her husband not much older, both pale-faced and guilt stricken at leaving their child unsupervised in the ocean.

Kate wanted to feel bad for them, facing every parent's nightmare, but she was too filled with abhorrence at their stupidity, especially now that it had put, not only their child, but Jack, in danger as well. She was terrified that she would never see him again, her or the baby he was convinced she was carrying, holding her breath as she watched him struggle through the surf, to the place where the little girl's blonde head was bobbing just above the surface.

He reached her just as she sunk underneath it, ducking under the waves to catch her, and for one heart stopping moment, Kate thought the current was going to drag them both out to sea. But, no, to her relief he broke through the churning surf seconds later, gasping, and supporting the little girl's chin, as he fought his way back to the beach.

As soon as the water was shallow enough to stand, he started running, passing Kate and the parents, until he could lay the little girl down on dry sand.

"Is she…?" Kate heard the mother ask behind her, but Jack was too focused on the little girl to answer.

Kate started towards them, wanting to help, but he waved her away, going into surgical mode. "Get me a towel," he ordered, lowering his ear to the child's mouth.

She mustn't have been breathing, because his hands moved to tilt her head back, his mouth covering hers as he compressed her chest, doing his best to return her to life.

Her mother was sobbing hysterically now, making it impossible for Kate to hold onto her anger now that Jack was safe, so as she returned with the towel, she touched her arm gently, giving her a reassuring smile. "It's okay, he's a doctor," she told her, hoping that this would make her feel better about trusting her child's life to Jack's hands. If anyone could save her, he could; Charlie had died, Kate had seen it with her own eyes, and yet somehow Jack had managed to bring him back.

The younger woman looked over at her, her eyes lightening with hope at these words.

"She'll be okay," Kate added, giving her another smile as she returned to Jack's side.

It took longer than it should have, but this time, when Jack pulled back to take a breath, the little girl coughed, spewing up water as she sucked in the salt air. Jack took the towel from Kate, wrapping it gently around the child to warm her up, waiting until she was breathing evenly to ask, "Your name's Annabelle, right?"

The little girl nodded tearfully.

"That's a beautiful name. How do you feel, Annabelle?"

"My throat hurts," she sobbed.

"That's because you swallowed a lot of water," he explained gently. "Do you think you got it all up?"

She nodded again, causing him to smile softly at her. "Good girl." He scruffed her damp hair, eliciting a little smile.

"Will she be…?" Annabelle's mother tried again, taking a tentative step towards them.

"She'll be fine," Jack told her, standing up now that Annabelle was able to support her own weight. "A little shaken up, but there's no lasting damage."

Relief washed over the young mother's countenance as she rushed to embrace her daughter. "Thank you, thank you so much," she murmured, sobbing into the little girl's hair. Too overcome to speak, Annabelle's father nodded his agreement, falling to his knees beside them in the sand.

"You shouldn't thank me, you should thank her," Jack said, smiling at Kate as he slipped an arm around her. "She was the one who noticed how far out your daughter was getting."

Annabelle's mother lifted her eyes from her daughter long enough to repeat the sentiment in Kate's direction.

She wasn't sure she deserved the woman's thanks, but Kate returned her smile anyway, sliding her arm around Jack's waist, and laying her head on his shoulder when Annabelle's mother turned back to her family. "You scared me," she said, the tears she'd been suppressing since Jack entered the water fighting their way to the surface now that they were alone. "I thought I was going to lose you, after everything we said last night."

He squeezed her shoulders, placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head. "It's all okay now," he murmured into her hair. "I'm okay, she's okay…"

"But what if it wasn't…? What if you…?" she was sobbing now; she shifted in his embrace so that her words were muffled against his chest.

"That was never going to happen," he said, readjusting his arms so that he was holding her against him. "I've got too much to live for – I have to know if I'm going to be a dad."

This made her smile; she lifted her head, looking up at him. "You're going to be a great one. Watching you with her… I hope we do have a daughter, Jack," she said, realising just how badly she wanted him to be right. "I can't wait to see the two of you together."

He pressed his lips to her forehead gently, then rested his against it. "You know," he said with a smile, "I meant what I said – I really do like the name Annabelle. Or Isobelle – Isobelle's pretty too."


	30. Chapter 30

I'm on the home stretch, so I'm going to push on, in spite of the slow review count. I beat my record by 30, so I'm happy. Still, I love getting reviews, so don't stop! ;)

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Chapter 30. You Miss It, Don't You?

The Annabelle incident took most of the shine out of going to the beach; it was almost evening by the time things settled down, so they decided to head back to the motel to wash the sand, and in Jack's case, sea water, off, then go out for an early dinner.

Jack was unusually quiet on the walk back; his earlier smile had vanished, his eyes taking on a troubled aspect, but whatever was on his mind, he didn't seem to want to discuss it with Kate. When she asked him what was wrong, he shook his head, changing the subject, until the conversation tapered off to nothing again, leaving her to wonder if his mood wasn't somehow her fault.

"Jack," she said, choosing her words carefully as they turned onto the street they were staying on, "Did I do something? I've just got this feeling that you're mad at me for something."

He stopped in his tracks, meeting her eyes for the first time since they'd left the beach. "No, Kate, you didn't do anything," he said, his expression softening in his surprise. He took her hand with a gentle, reassuring smile, but he didn't offer her another explanation for his silence.

In fact, as soon as they reached their room, he let go of her, slipping into the bathroom, as if he couldn't wait to be alone, away from the barrage of questions.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for him, she wondered if this was what it was like for him sometimes, knowing that there was something going on with her, but completely in the dark as to what. It made her feel completely helpless; she wished there was some way she could make him tell her what was wrong, but Jack could be even more evasive than she was at times, particularly when it came to his emotions.

When he came out of the bathroom fifteen minutes later, he'd composed himself enough to hide the fact that something was bothering him, but Kate knew that whatever it was, it was still there, just beneath the surface, like a splinter. He'd wait until she was out of the room, in the shower maybe, or asleep, and then he'd bring it out again and resume his brooding.

He perched on the other side of the bed, away from her, to wait while she took her turn in the bathroom, but instead of heading straight for the shower, she stopped long enough to press a quick, impulsive kiss to his jaw. She didn't say anything, or explain why she'd felt compelled to do it, but he seemed to understand, because when he looked up at her, he was smiling.

* * *

Even though they got there early, just after six, most of the restaurants on the esplanade were crowded with tourists, so they got take away, and headed back down to the beach to eat, like old times. The sky had darkened to twilight; most of the beachgoers had gone home, so they were more or less alone as they sat on the sand, listening to the waves and the distant sounds of the city.

Jack had been almost conversational when they ordered, but now that there was no reason to talk, he was silent again, staring moodily out to sea as he picked at his food.

He wasn't acting like himself tonight, or maybe he was, and that was what was bothering Kate. She loved the fun, carefree version of him that she'd seen last night at the casino, but that wasn't the Jack Shephard she knew. That Jack, island Jack, was pensive, intense, always worried about something; as much as she wished that he'd lighten up sometimes, that was just who he was. He was the kind of guy who took it upon himself to carry the weight of the world's problems; as much as she loved fun, fugitive Jack, it was the other Jack, this one, that she'd fallen in love with. It had been a few days since she'd seen this side of him; its sudden reappearance this afternoon had confused her at first, but now, hours later, she was beginning to understand what had brought it back out.

Things hadn't been the same between them since the beach, since he'd come down from the high of saving that little girl, Annabelle. It was like he'd regressed back to the place he was in on their first day on the run, when he'd started feeling guilty about leaving the other survivors. Last night, it had seemed like he was finally coming to terms with their new life, but now, today, he was a million miles away from her, or at least, he was acting like he wanted to be.

"You miss it, don't you?" she said, softly, the realisation dawning on her that she'd known what was wrong with him all along. She'd known it that first day, but she hadn't wanted to acknowledge it fully, afraid of what it would mean for them, of what it would force her to do.

She didn't have to explain, because he seemed to know what she was talking about. "Yeah," he admitted finally, still staring out at the ocean. "I'd forgotten what a rush it could be, saving someone like that. Making a difference." He fell silent again, smiling ruefully, but he must have anticipated the direction her thoughts were headed in, because he added quickly, "But that doesn't matter – what matters is that you and I are still together."

"That's not true, Jack," she told him, turning to look at him, even though he still wouldn't meet her gaze. "It does matter, or it will, one day. I don't want you to end up resenting me because I took you away from all that."

He opened his mouth to argue, but she cut him off, adding, "Can you honestly promise me that you won't?"

"I love you, Kate," he said, which they both knew wasn't the answer she was looking for, but he couldn't give her that, not without lying. He couldn't promise her that, because one day, even if it was only a little bit, he was going to resent the situation they were in, and her because of it. It was only natural. She was the murderer here; if he hadn't fallen in love with her, he could have had a normal life.

"I made a choice – I chose you – and I don't regret it," he said, his voice cracking with emotion. "Don't do this, Kate, don't make this into more of an issue than it is." He stood, turning away from her, back towards the city, but while his words were confident, decisive, final, she could see the torture in his expression. He was torn up inside, his heart reefing him in two directions; Kate knew the feeling, because she'd been there before.

And if she was really honest with herself, she was there again now. She had been ever since the day she realised she was in love with him. That was why she'd almost chosen Sawyer, because it was easy, because she knew it wouldn't hurt this much. She hadn't wanted to give her heart to anyone after Kevin, but it had happened so slowly, piece by piece, that by the time she realised what was happening, it was too late to get it back.

Jack was the same; he'd been burned too, which was probably why he was trying to avoid this conversation, and the truth, at all costs. She wanted to spare him the pain that she felt; that was why she'd dropped the subject every time it came up, but seeing how sad he looked tonight, she couldn't do it this time. Not until she got him to own to it.

"I'm not sure I am," she said softly, in response to his plea, following his lead and standing. "If you're so convinced that you made the right choice – if you don't regret it at all – then why can't you tell me what I want to hear?"

"I don't know, Kate," he said, grasping at straws, "But this isn't about us."

"What if it was?" she pressed, stepping in front of him so that he had no choice but to look at her.

"It's not." His eyes travelled down to the sand at their feet, anywhere but hers, no doubt afraid of the conviction he would find there.

She wasn't going to back down from this, not until she was satisfied with his answer. "But what if it was? Forget the baby for one second – pretend that that's not even a possibility – and tell me that this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. No family, no friends, no patients – just us, sailing around the world, killing time."

He didn't answer; he couldn't, so she added gently, pleadingly, "Please, Jack – just look me in the eyes, and tell me that you're happy, and I'll never mention it again." Hot tears rolled down her cheeks, at the silence that followed, and her throat started to close up. "Tell me that what happened today didn't mean anything, that you don't need anything but me," she whispered, her voice barely audible now.

He was beginning to get choked up too; he turned away again, his face hidden in shadow, too overcome to speak, so she answered for him. "You can't. You want to, but you can't. So it doesn't matter what else you say, Jack – if you can't tell me that, then this isn't going to work."

* * *

I know, I suck, but to be fair, this conflict has been bubbling under the surface for a while now. Since the beginning, actually. I just don't think Jack has it in him to lead such a selfish life. I'll bet that's why he came back from Asia – because unlike Kate, he doesn't run from his problems.

Besides, it's hard to think of things to do on the run, trust me.

But don't worry, there's still hope. So you'll have to read on to find out what this means, and what Kate is going to do. And if she's pregnant, which I fully intend to reveal in the next two or three chapters.

If it makes you feel more optimistic, I have an idea for a sequel that I'm toying with. I know I don't normally do sequels, but this fic actually lends itself to one more than my others, so let me know if you're interested. I'm pretty sure you will be by the end. 


	31. Chapter 31

Thanks for the reviews guys. Only one more chapter to go after this!

You're all right, it is a difficult situation, and not one they really should have allowed themselves to get into. Running was not a good way to start to their off-island relationship. It was only ever going to end in tears...

It's funny that you guys were all so against the idea of a Jaby in the beginning, and now I think that if I don't give you one, you'll all be as disappointed as Jack and Kate...

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Chapter 31. One More Night 

"So what does this mean, Kate?" Jack asked, no longer trying to deny the truth in her words. His voice broke as he added, "Are you leaving now? Am I going to wake up in the morning and find you gone?"

"I don't know," she said, wishing it were that simple, that she could just walk out on him like she'd walked out on Kevin. But it wasn't as easy when he knew it was coming; with Kevin, she hadn't had to see the betrayal on his face until it was too late to change what she'd done. "I need time to think." She was beginning to feel trapped; she wanted to run from him, not forever, just for tonight, so that she could be alone, but the fierceness in his eyes, and in his voice, made it clear that he wasn't going to let her out of his sight. Not until she could promise him that she'd still be there when he woke up, and she couldn't anymore than he could promise that he'd never resent her.

"You promised me you wouldn't do this," he said accusingly, swallowing hard to suppress his tears.

"Leave? I never promised you that, Jack," she reminded him softly. She'd resisted making a commitment to him for this very reason.

"No, you promised me you'd never leave without telling me," he explained, surprising her with his sudden resignation. "You told me that if you ever made up your mind to leave, you'd give me the chance to talk you out of it." He sounded so hollow, so defeated, that she had to give him that.

"How, Jack? What would you say?" she prompted him, knowing, as she had on the day she'd made that promise, that his words wouldn't influence her decision either way, but wanting to give him the chance to fight it, for his sake. If she left, she didn't want him to blame himself, and she knew that he would unless he was convinced that he'd done everything he could to stop her.

It took him a moment to answer, but then he said, "I'd say I love you. I'd say it's not fair for you to make a decision like that without asking me what I want first. I'd say that until you can prove to me that there's no baby, you have no right to go anywhere without me." The bitter anger that had found its way into his voice faded into sadness as he added, "I'd say don't go, Kate, please, because that – that would be a mistake."

She started to cry in earnest then, because she knew he was right, she couldn't leave. "I'm sorry, Jack, I don't… I don't – I want to stay with you, I just don't know how," she sobbed, the weight of her resolve crashing down on her; she wanted to hold her ground, but she found herself caving, seeking comfort in him as always. "I don't know how I'm ever going to make you happy…"

"You do make me happy," he told her, but when she gave him a look that said "Not enough", he didn't try to convince her otherwise.

As hurt as he was by everything that had been said between them, he didn't hesitate to accept her into his arms, burying his face in her hair as he held her tightly, possessively. She was having trouble breathing, but she didn't ask him to loosen his grip, leaning into it, knowing that he needed the contact as much as she did.

"One more night," he said softly, his voice close to her ear. "You can go if you want, but please, not tonight." He pulled back to look at her, tears streaking his face. She hadn't realised he was crying until then.

She nodded silently, understanding. She wasn't ready to say goodbye to him either.

She took his hand, and they walked back to the motel without speaking, not letting go of each other for a long time after that.

She could feel his tears spilling onto her cheeks as he held her in the darkness, mingling with her own, before he kissed both sets away, his lips tasting salty and bittersweet when he returned them to hers. She never wanted the night to end, but in what felt like the space of a heartbeat, midnight came and went, and it was almost morning.

She knew that Jack wanted to stay awake with her, to make the most of whatever time they had left, but the rescue had tired him out; it wasn't long before he'd fallen into a troubled sleep, his head resting lightly on top of hers. Kissing his still cheek, she extricated herself from him gently, checking to make sure that she hadn't woken him up as she slipped into the bathroom.

Inside, alone, she took the test.

Then she made her decision.

* * *

How cruel! Another cliffhanger! Well, on the bright side, you'll get your answer to both questions next chapter (feel free to surmise in the mean time), when Jack wakes up. And makes a promise that will haunt him for the rest of his life, or at least until I write a sequel. Which I will if I get enough interest… 

Enjoy your naked Jack, and don't forget – I want to know what happens with the Skate fight. I'm starting to wonder if the writers aren't going to wait until the season finale to have Jack rescued just to keep Jate apart. They're running out of legitimate reasons for them not to be together...


	32. Chapter 32

So here it is, the final chapter. Hopefully, even though you guys have sort of guessed where I'm going with this, it will still be surprising. Saw The Glass Ballerina. Even though I knew what was coming, I'll never look at Sun in the same way again...

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Chapter 32. I'll Find You

When Jack woke the next morning, Kate was sitting against the headboard, fully dressed, watching him, the cheap plastic cylinder still clutched in her hand. She knew he wouldn't believe her without proof; she hardly believed it herself, and she'd had a lot longer to get used to the idea than he would.

Stirring about ten o'clock, he rolled onto his side, reaching out for her in his semi-conscious state. His eyes snapped open when he discovered that her side of the mattress was empty, but he relaxed when he saw her sitting there at the top of the bed. "You're still here."

"Yeah." She leant over to give him a soft good morning kiss, returning to her former position before he could coax her into bed with him. "You should get dressed – they'll be here soon."

"What are you talking about, Kate?" The languor went out of him as he sat up, alarmed. "Who'll be here soon?"

"The Feds. I called them last night, while you were asleep."

His face crumpled at these words, realisation dawning on him: she was still there, but she hadn't changed her mind. She hadn't chosen him. Even though she'd opted not to leave him, she wasn't staying with him either. "What? Why would you do that?" he asked, even though they both knew the answer.

"Because it's the only way I'm ever going to see you again," she told him, willing herself not to cry at the pained bewilderment in his expression. She needed to be strong for him, to convince him that this was right, and she couldn't do that if she cried. If she showed him that weakness, he'd seduce her out of it again, and before she knew it, they'd be having this conversation again, on some other island, a few weeks, months, years from now.

"No." He shook his head stubbornly, unwilling to accept what she was trying to tell him. "No. I'm not going to let you give birth in prison."

It was the best excuse he would ever have for her not to do this to him; it hurt her to have to refute it, to take away that last glimmer of hope. "I won't have to," she said softly, swallowing against the lump in her throat. "I took the test – I'm not pregnant." She held out the plastic cylinder so that he could see it for himself.

Blue.

It had almost broken her heart when she saw it last night, because she knew that it was over then, that there was no more reason to run. The one thing that would have tied them together, the one thing she could have given him to make up for everything she'd taken, would never be. Not until they stopped.

His face fell as he took the test from her, staring at it for a long moment. "Are you sure?" he asked finally, tossing it aside. "You might not be as far along as we thought – if it were still early stages, it wouldn't show up. That would explain why you haven't been affected yet – why you're not sick."

"You said it yourself, Jack – these things are pretty accurate," she reminded him gently, picking the test back up, and staring at it one more time. It was still blue; it would always be blue. No amount of wishing things were different would ever change that. "If it says I'm not pregnant, then I'm not."

She slid off the bed, and went into the bathroom to throw it into the trash. She didn't want to look at it anymore, and neither, she was pretty sure, did Jack. "But I could be," she told him, returning to the bed, and taking his hand in both of hers. He looked up at her hopefully until she added, "One day, when all this is over, if you just let me do this. We could have a real life then, without you having to give anything up."

He let go of her hand, shaking his head again. "No. Do you really think they're going to go easy on you, Kate? You committed a murder. Even if we managed to come up with a decent defense, it still wouldn't change the fact that you ran. In the eyes of the law, you're already guilty."

He tugged on his jeans, and stood up, pacing. "If you do this – if you let them catch you now, they're going to lock you up for the rest of your life, and the only way I'm ever going to see you is through a glass window. So don't tell me that we could have a real life, because it's not true."

There were tears in his eyes as he finished speaking; he turned away towards the window. Kate rose from the bed, and put a hand on his shoulder, wanting to comfort him, but before she could utter more than just, "Jack, I—" he rounded on her, his eyes hard.

"Go," he said. "Get out of here." Pushing past her, he retrieved his wallet from the bedside table, taking out a wad of cash and thrusting it into her palm. "Here's the rest of the money – it should get you wherever you want to go."

She tried to give it back, but he pressed her fingers tightly, almost painfully, around it. "I'll get my mom to send me some money for a plane ticket. You can take the boat too," he added, becoming almost manic in his desperate state. "If you sell it, you should have enough to live on for a while, until I can find a way to support you."

She was standing there, stunned by his behaviour; he picked her backpack up off the floor, shoving it into her hands, his eyes growing more and more desperate with each second that she didn't move. "What are you still doing here?" he said, his voice cracking with emotion. "I'll be fine, if that's what you're worried about. I won't tell them it was my idea. I'll say that you drugged me, that the only reason I was here in the first place is because I was trying to talk you out of it – whatever you want, but you have to leave now."

His hands flew to her shoulders as he looked down at her, adding, "I don't want to lose you, Kate, but if you don't go now, I will."

The look on his face was killing her; she'd already broken his heart once this morning so she nodded, sliding her backpack onto one shoulder when he let go.

The tension went out of his body at this sign of agreement, and he gave her a tiny smile.

"So I guess this is goodbye then," she said. If she had to leave, she wanted to do it quickly, without any more tears, but her resolution failed her when he pulled her into his arms.

"Not forever," he told her, kissing her softly; his kisses grew more and more frantic, matching his words as he added, "I'm going to figure something out, and then I'm going to find you. I'll find you, Kate."

She gave him a slight nod, not wanting to encourage him too much. She hated the thought of him obsessing over her after she was gone, like Kevin, afraid of what it would do to him. But it was inevitable; if Jack said he'd find her again, then he would.

She pulled away gently, knowing that the longer she stayed, the harder it was going to be to tear herself away from him. "I love you," she murmured against his lips, sealing these words with a final, lingering kiss as she added, "Even if we can't be together right now."

"I love you too, Kate," he choked out, releasing her slowly.

He didn't say anything else, didn't look back, he just picked up his shirt and headed into the bathroom to finish getting dressed.

As soon as he was out of sight, she slipped out the door.

* * *

So that's it – that's my fic. I don't feel so bad about leaving it on that note now that I've promised you a sequel. I'm not sure how soon it will be up – I still have to think of a title – but it should be soon. I'm pretty excited about what I've got planned, so I'll probably start work right away. I may not be able to update as quickly though, because I'm just about to start back at uni.

Let me know if there's anything you want to see – I've already taken note of things like Jack meeting Kevin, and a Jaby, if you still want one, and am doing my best to work them in. Sam will probably put in an appearance too, maybe Margo too. Obviously, it'll be about Jack making good on his promise. I'm thinking it'll be set about a year later, when he's had time to realise that his old life doesn't make him happy either, but if you'd prefer a different timeframe, let me know.

Finally: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing – I've decided that it's not quantity, but quality that counts, so it means a lot that you take the time to give me detailed feedback. So you don't have to leave me ten more reviews Tahti – one long one will do. 


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